Christ's Birth

As I went to bed last night a thought went through my head. Here it goes.....

I was thinking about the birth of Jesus. I was wondering about questions that I knew the answer to. But, I asked them anyways. Did God consult Jesus about the task at hand, before he was born? Did God give Jesus the chance to say " I don't want to do this!"? I know the answer is no! However, I was thinking about his life. I believe that Jesus questioned God and his plans. We also see that he still stayed faithful. He took his life and made it a servanthood. He made a mark everywhere that he went. Where am I going with all of this? I found all of this somewhat comforting to think about. We don't have the choice whether or not we are born into this world. But God does give us the question "Do you want to do this?". We don't get consulted about the task at hand. We do get asked "Do you trust me with the plans that I have for you?". We do have the choice to trust and follow or to deny and run. Are we willing, no matter what comes our way to stay faithful? I don't believe that Jesus' life was a cake walk. Why is it that we think this life should or would be any different?

I know this sounds crazy. I am okay with that hahaha. But, for some reason knowing that God had a perfect plan for Jesus is comforting. God tells us the same thing. "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I have always stopped at that verse but, if you go to the next verse it sums it up. "THEN you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all you heart. I will be found" Jer. 29:12-14a. When we trust and follow, that is when we will find the Lord. He never said this life/task would be easy. He did say that He would never leave us nor forsake us.

Food for thought. Merry Christmas!!!!

Loneliness

It has been 16 mos. since the accident. I have managed to make it this far with the Lord right by my side. We are about to round the next corner of Christmas and the New Year. I thought that once again, I could make it through the Holidays with a breeze. Stupid Me!!! I am going to Christmas Parties and doing all of the "festivities" of the season. I hear stories of previous Christmas' and memories of those around me. I try not to make it known that I am broken inside, so I keep going on like nothing is wrong. Yet, inside I am extremely lonely inside.

I am at a very difficult time in my life. I am striving to make my children's lives as normal as possible. I am making the best of every moment. I long for the Lord to be right with me in all that I said and do. Yet, there is still a longing for someone to share it all with me. I want someone to cherish me and to love me and all that I have to offer. I long for a simple hug. The skin to skin touch. I would love to hear how amazing I am and how much they love me and all of my faults. To lay in bed and talk for hours. Or to call each other JUST to hear the sound of ones voice. I long for the day that I can have all of this again. I want to tell him how amazing he is to me. I want to cherish even more the small things in a relationship. Like... holding hands in the car ( like we were dating), or watching a movie together, maybe even taking a walk on the wild side. Meaning doing something that gets you out of your box. I don't know what that looks like, but I want to find that. I miss the I love you's and the cuddly moments.

Now, I have 5 kids. I will not trade them for anything in the world. However, I have made myself realize that, that is going to be a very large obstacle for someone to overcome. I don't know how long I will be in this area of my life. I am going to have to figure out how to deal with my feelings. I am not and will not compromise my values and who I am and who I want to become. At least I hope that I do not do that. I hope and pray that this time in my life goes by fast.

God told me that Scott was the man of my dreams at 19, but the man of my dreams at 31 was going to be much different. My needs at 19 and my needs now at 31 are much different. I can only hope that the man of my dreams is right around the corner.

Yet, with all of that said. I don't want to lose my ground that I have made with the Lord, for another man. If that makes since. I feel much better getting these feelings out and typed out. Thank you for following me and please continue to pray for me and my children.

Just when you let your guard down...

You know for the most part, I am doing very well. I am thriving at life. I do love my life as I have it now. I wish things were different but I can't change that. So I look at what I do have. Man, I am a blessed girl. I look at my kids and the way they act and how they respond to issues in life and I beam with pride. Just like me they have their issues that they are having to work through, but for the most part they are doing amazing. I try to keep all of my thoughts under control. I don't want to go places that I know I can't change. Like, thinking about the whys and how comes. They don't do my any good. I try not to let myself go to sad places. Such as, thinking about if he was here what would I/we be doing. I know it will never be and that would be torture. But there are times like tonight, when some stupid feeling hit me and I want to collapse.

Our church had a progressive dinner. They had vans that drove all of the women. I had to drive because of Christian. He was at the church and he doesn't do well in the nursery. I wanted to be able to leave if I needed to. So anyways... I got to the first house and was all ready to go. I had a happy face on and felt good. Then all of the women got there, and the feelings of being all alone hit me. I am not sure how come or why. I just know that it stunned me. I felt overwhelmed and like I had no one there for me. I know with all of my heart that every single one of those women love me. But all night I couldn't shake that feeling. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and never come out. I had several women come up to me and tell me that they pray for me and my family. I know that they love me. But for some reason I was lost and all alone in a crowd of 50 women. Crazy!!!!!!!

I am not sure where I am going with this. But we all feel alone and lost at times. It is how we respond that makes us overcome the feelings. I did leave early. But I knew that I needed to. Putting myself in that position was not going to help me. It was getting worse. So I left. But I instantly start telling myself that God is on my side and loves me. I have to take my thoughts under control and move on. I am not feeling down right now. Typing all of this is getting it all out. I am not sure where God is taking me. I am sure that he has a perfect plan for me. I am allowing him to lead me and guide me. That is not so easy at times, but I am up for the task. I want to forever be used by him. So I will pick my head up and do my best to rise to what is before me. I don't like it! But I WILL MAKE IT!!!

Thank you for all of your prayers and for letting me vent about my evening.

It's Thanksgiving number 2....

Wow! I can't believe I/we are going through this again already. The first time around it was all about just getting through and trying to find new traditions. This year, it is all about getting through and trying to find new traditions. I don't know if I thought it was going to get better or easier, but I seem to have the same feelings just less tears. I know the task that is set before me. I am not in denial. I know what use to be. I know how good I had it. I am just choosing to press on and find the good. If I choose to focus on the bad I WILL CRUMBLE!!! So, I am having to change my focus.

I am very thankful that the Lord allowed me to have Scott for the time that I did. I will forever cherish the times that we had. I will never forget the times of wrestling and laughing till we both would have tears in our eyes. I will always and forever cherish the times he would make me blush. He would always be cheesy loving to me in public. He always showed me his love. I am so thankful that I have NO question in my mind that we were in love. I have no question that he and I had something very special. Our love was committed for life. I am thankful that we took the time to nightly tell each other how we felt towards one another. I know I was his hottie :) . I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I HAVE NO REGRETS IN MY MARRIAGE. That doesn't mean that mistakes were not made. But it does mean that our love shined a lot brighter than our disputes. Thank you Jesus!!!

I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me with all of my kids. I am not sure what his plan is, but I am in it for the long haul. I try to cherish the small things that my kids do. Connor is extremely thoughtful. He tries to be like his daddy. He will bring me special gifts from the gas station, just like he saw Scott do for me. Caiden is all about telling me how much he loves me. He loves to hold my hand in the car like Scott would do. Those two boys are going to make amazing husbands one day!!! Grace loves to perform for me. She likes to show me all of the things she can do. She loves for me to read the bible and pray for her. Coltin is a mess. There is never a dull moment when he is in the room. He loves to be the life of the party. Just like his dad!!! Christian is all about his mommy. I am trying to find the joy in that and realize that soon it will be gone. I love that he loves me so much. So many blessings wrapped into 5 amazingly strong kids!!!! That is a blessing in itself. I am very blessed to have a great family. To have parents and a brother that are willing to step up to the plate is amazing. I have the best friends that a girl could have. I have friends all over praying for me and my kids. That is the greatest blessing of all. Thank you Jesus!!!!

I am blessed to have a house, car, a church and money to buy food. You see these are just a few of the many blessings that I have in my life. I am so thankful that I am not focusing on the negative facts in my life. I don't know where I am going or even where I am headed, but I do know that I have a savior that does. I am very thankful that he is watching out for me and loving me unconditionally. We choose to be thankful and to find the good in life. With all of that said, have a great Thanksgiving!!!!

More of the potters hands....

To be updated on what I am talking about see my previous post.

I started thinking about the clay and what it feels like while being marred. I don't know if you have ever been on a potters wheel before, I have. In high school they had pottery classes. Loved it. Anyway... The clay is wet and gritty from the sand. It is also very slimy and thick feeling. All of these textures in one. The clay gets into your hands and fingernails. Most people would end up with the clay all of the way up their arms. They would be up to their elbows in clay. What am I getting at?

I have often heard the potters hands preached as a good thing. To be molded by God is a great thing. All good. I have started thinking. Being molded has to be a little painful. Because we are taking who we are now and reforming it into something God wants us to be. We are crushing/marring our lives and purging the good the bad and the ugly out. When God is the potter, he is trying to recreate us. Just like the potter on the wheel is up to his elbows in clay, so is our heavenly father with our lives. We have to become pliable and moldable by our choice. We have to surrender who we are and what we are to become to him. When we do so, we are in every inch of our fathers hands. Once we have surrendered to being moldable, we then go through the drying out stage. Just as the clay goes through the dry and cracked stage so do we. There is going to be a point in our walk with the Lord that we are going to feel dry and cracked. It is that very point that we have to stay strong and faithful. God is a God of faith not feelings. I do believe he meets our feelings, but that is not the focus of who he is. After the clay dries out it is then painted. The pottery gets painted right before it goes into the kiln or the fire furnace. You can not see the color you are painting until it goes through the kiln. God is painting our colors while we walk out our faith. I am thinking about the pottery at this point. It is on a shelf continuing to dry out. The potter doesn't have to spend every moment with the clay. But he does check on it daily. He is letting the clay continue to take shape. Just as we don't feel God, I believe he is allowing us to go through a dry time so that we can continue to trust in him. We are then starting to take shape in our walk with the Lord. During the dry cracked time we are building our faith. We are starting to gain confidence in God. Towards the end of our drought we are starting to become bold. Our colors are starting to show. We are starting to share who God is and what he is and has done in our lives. Just then, we are put into the furnace. We are going to see attack and things stacked against us. Because the enemy knows that when we come out of the firey furnace we are going to be something amazing. We will be life changers for the kingdom of God. We will see something done. We will be the exact person that God created. UNSHAKABLE!!!! UNSTOPABLE!!!!!!! ALL FOR GODS KINGDOM!!!

Am I willing to be molded?

Tonight all of the kids were in bed, and I was doing my devotions. I was reading in Jeremiah 18. I tried to skip over it just because I have read it so many times. But there was something in me that felt like I needed to read it. So here it goes, this is what I got out of it.

In Jer. 18 1-6 it is talking about how the Lord told Jeremiah to go to the potter's house to receive a message. vs 4 "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."

vs 5 "Then the word of the Lord came to me. vs 6 O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does? Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand."

Just as Israel is to be in the hands of the Lord so are we. When we are in the hands of the Lord, it doesn't mean that we are going to have it all good. The potter crushed what the clay use to be. He marred it with his hands. Marred clay is messy, wet and dirty. It isn't formed and pretty. It looks like ugly mud. Not appealing!

The question is; Are we willing to let the Lord form us? Are we willing to give him are all to be molded? If so are we prepared to be marred in the hands of the Lord? Are we prepared to have our old lives crushed, just as the original pottery was? Being marred in the hands of the Lord is not going to be glamorous. It may not even feel good. It just might hurt. Being molded into something new is going to be work. But it is the end product that counts. The end result with the potter is an amazing new creation. Something that is useable.

I feel like I am in the "marring" stage in life. I am being reformed. It isn't fun and it hurts deeply. But, I do know that in the end my new shape is going to be amazing. Something that God can use. And when God builds something with his own hands, I believe it can't be broken!!!

Is faith taught or learned?

A lot of people have commented on my faith. To the point that I started digging in my life to figure out why. I think I believe that faith is something taught. I have not dug into the bible yet, but I am going to. Here are my thoughts.

Before we ever turn on a light switch, we have faith that it is going to turn the light on. We have known that since we were all young. We know that unless the light is burnt out, it will turn on. We have also come to know that if we put a key into the ignition, it is going to start the car or truck. Unless their is something technically wrong. There are so many more things like these in life that we have faith without having to think about the faith. We have also figured out with the people around us who we can and cannot trust. We figure this out at a very early age. We know who is going to do us right and wrong. If someone befriends us; what does that look like? They are always there for us to talk and listen. They make time for us. Friends are thoughtful. They help out in a time of need, and just to have a good time with. A good friend is truly hard to come by. We know this about our friends because they have proven their friendship by their actions and not just their words. They have proven their faithfulness to us. Therefore we have reason to have faith in them.

Now lets jump to our faith in God. We know what we read in the bible. Some say it is not true and others say they know that it is true. As christians we teach our kids from an early age what to believe in. We tell them all of the stories and teach them the way that the bible says to live. But in all reality those are all just words in a book unless we give them meaning. We see so many adults not serving God; why? I think it is because they know the words but don't experience the faith. They/we pray for all of the big things and demand them. Whether or not they are deserved, doesn't matter. We still expect change to happen. And when it doesn't we get angry with God.

I can't help but wonder if we teach faith in the little things of God, we will learn to trust in the big things of God.

1. Teaching how to ask for the small things in life. Like asking for a parking space. (hahahaha those of you that know me and make fun of me for this know that I get them) Or to open a space in traffic for us. How about when our kids can't find something; teaching them to pray for the Lord to help them find it?

2. Talking the Lord on a regular basis and listening to him on a regular basis. I do believe that God wants us to talk to him all day long. Not just when we need something.

Here is something I preached to myself in bed one night.

When we are married we have to talk to our spouse daily. We ask their advise. We don't just run out and spend money and make big decisions without talking to them first. We are a team. Therefore we are suppose to work as a team. The relationship doesn't just happen in the bedroom, it is all day long. The bedroom should be the climax to our relationship. Okay, now that I have gone to far for some of you.....

Our relationship with the Lord should be just the same. We should be talking to him all day long. Asking him for help and consulting with him. We should be having a daily devotion with him. That shouldn't make up all of our relationship him. That daily devotion time needs to be the climax of our relationship. God wants all of our relationship with him not just the 10 mins of devotion time.

3. Praying before reacting to anything. Any time something goes wrong or right, normally God is not on the tip of our tongue. What would happen if anytime we got news good or bad we prayed for the Lord to lead, guide and direct us in all we do and say?

The night of the accident the first thing I did was pray. I asked the Lord to lead, guide and direct me in all that I did and said. I can't help but believe he has helped me do just that. From the very moment until now I have felt his hands on my life.

We need to teach ourselves how to trust in the Lord. By trusting in the small things it enables us to trust in the big things.

Tired

O the days of sleep are so gone right now. It has been quite the week. It started with Grace getting sick. Then a crazy busy weekend. We had 2 birthday parties to go to and a garbage that was suppose to be cleaned out. We made it to the parties and I started to clean out the garbage. I didn't get it all done. That night Caiden came down with a fever. My mom got sick too. That night at about 2 am Christian woke up with a fever. He was in pain you could tell. I gave him motrin and made it better for the time being. We got up that morning and Caiden seemed fine, no fever. Christian was getting worse by the moment. So, it being Sunday we had to make a trip to the ER. My mom was sick so my amazing brother and father had to come to the rescue. They watched the 4 older kids while I took Christian to the doctor. They said he had an ear infection and put him on his 3 round of antibiotics. I thought that night was going to be better. But no it wasn't. Christian was up almost every hour. Finally at 12 o'clock I couldn't get his fever below 103*. I had to call the doctor to figure out what to do. He had to think I was crazy calling him at 12pm. At this point I was pretty worried. They had me give him both motrin and tylenol. It was still a long night. Monday morning is here. I took all of the kids to school only to have them call me at 9:30 to come get Caiden. He had a 101.1 fever. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do I get a break somewhere? Christian has been screaming all day. I don't know what to do to help him. I have done all that I can do. Coltin is running around getting into everything. AAAAAHHHHHHH

See my life is by far not all good. It is the crazy life that I live.

Why I am where I am....

So, I went to my first counseling session this week. I have been advised by a lot of people to see someone, because of all of the stress that I have been under. You know... Losing the MAN of my DREAMS, with 5 kids to raise. So, I did it. I went to see someone. He was on staff at Central Bible College when Scott and I were there. He is now a professional counselor. I know my husband was a counselor, but I still had no idea what to expect. Basically, I told him where I was at in life. I feel like I was extremely honest and open. I have nothing to hide. I have always been an open book. Ask and you better be ready to receive. I left there with the impression that I was not normal. That the way I viewed life and where I am at is to good to be true. I don't blame God and I am not angry with him. I do get frustrated and upset at times, but I don't linger in those times. I let myself have a moment and then I move on. I think about my future, whether it be with another man or ministry. Where do I go from here. I just ultimately want to be in the will of my father. I want him to look down on me and be so proud of the way that I have handled life. I can't wait to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant".

All of that to say, it got me thinking. Why am I happy? Why am I not depressed? How come I am not mad at God?

From the beginning, I have had the most amazing support system in place. The day it all happened there were so many people at my house. The next day, I had friends organizing the funeral for me. They were sitting at my table going through pictures and songs. They were making "Daddy pillows" for my kids. I had people going to the mall to get us all clothes to wear for the next couple of days. People going shopping for my new house. Friends making a list of who was going to stay with me. They had a list of someone staying with me 24/7 for several months. They had meals organized for weeks. WOW and I am not done with yet. I had people taking care of my kids. They were taking them under their wings. Dads gathering around them and treating them like their own. People were organizing several fundraisers for me and my kids, trying to make sure that we were taken care of. I had and have people still willing to pray for me and my kids. That in it self is amazing. All of this took place the first 6 mos. or so.

Then you have my amazing family. I had my dad staying with me. He started working down here away from home. He was providing security for me and my kids. He was and is the most amazing man. I am so thankful for him and all that he does for me. My mom was traveling back and forth 2 hours one way every week. She would work from Wed. to Fri and then come down for the weekend. She was the fun Grandma that let the kids do what ever they wanted. She let them have so many fires. They thought she was it! And she kinda is. I am so thankful she is so giving and SO HELPFUL!!! Then you have my brother who started living with me due to getting cancer. He and I were feeling so many of the same feelings. We would stay up and talk for hours. He has helped me to deal with what I am feeling. He was an ear to hear when all I wanted to do was talk. He allowed me to get it all off of my chest. Since the beginning of summer my parents moved down here. They are over for every meal and we really are one big happy family. Yes we still fight and have our own opinions, but above all of that we love each other. We are a family that sticks together. My brother is still living with me. He provides so much security for my kids (and me, but don't tell hahaha). I am grateful for the family that God has given to me.

I also look back on my relationship with God. I will never forget walking onto CBC campus my freshman year. The second I stepped onto campus, I knew that I would never turn away from the Lord again. From that point on, I have strived to make my relationship with the Lord a strong one. I have always wanted to be in his will. Scott and I both talked about the Lord having to be above our marriage. We made it a point to seek God with all of our heart. I think because of that, I am where I am today. By putting him first before the accident, I was able to keep him first after. I knew who God was and what he was before. So when I lost Scott, I knew I could trust God to get me through. I knew and had experienced God enough to know, I didn't want to do it on my own. I have trusted God through everything that has happened. I do not understand. I am frustrated. But I still trust in the most amazing creator. I have never understood the verse that talks about our anger and not sinning in it. After Scott died that has come alive to me. I am angry at the hand I have been dealt. But, I am not so angry that I can not trust in God. I believe and know that he has me in the palm of his hands. Therefore, I have a peace that passes all understanding. I still wonder where I am going and what I am going to do, but I try not to question something that I know I don't have an answer to.

I hope and pray that I will always feel this way. I hope that I am not dealing with something. I don't want to say all of the right things. I want to say just how I feel. And looking back on everyone helping, I know I am blessed to be where I am at. I may not be normal, I have never claimed to be! I just want to be and proclaim everything that I have preached. I believe one day I will hear WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT. There is so much more that I could say, but I am done for now. Thank you for sharing in my story.

Things I have done to help my kids along the way....

Throughout this crazy year, I have had several people ask what I am doing to help my kids. My kids ages are Connor 10 Caiden 8 Grace 5 Coltin 2 Christian 7 mos. (at the time I was 4 mos. pregnant).

Right after the accident my friends rallied around me. Tammy thought of making "Daddy pillows", Callie thought of "Daddy boxes" and I had "Daddy t-shirts" made. I also made my dinning room into a "daddy room". It is full of all of Scott's books and all of the things that he liked. My kids go into that room any time they are having a hard time. They will find something that reminds them of him at the time. They also wear their shirts on the days that they are thinking about him. Every night they all make sure that they have their daddy pillow. It makes them feel like he is right there with them. It gives them great comfort. I also got them a cell phone. This is only to be used when they need me. It helped them to feel comforted when they were worried about loosing me. Anytime that fear came/comes up they are allowed to call me. It worked!!!! They very rarely talk to me about loosing me. I also have them draw a lot of pictures. Any time they are feeling really upset, I have them get out paper and colors. They are to draw anything they want. They love to do this. It is their way of getting it all off of their chest. When they draw their pictures 9 times out of 10 they feel better and go back to playing and having fun. I take all of those pictures and date them and then put them into their daddy boxes.

I have made it a rule... They are never to say that they do not have a daddy. I tell them that they do have a daddy and he is in heaven. We will one day get to go see him again. But we have to finish telling everyone about Jesus. I have also started telling them how many daddy's that they do have. I have been able to talk to them about God being our ultimate father. I tell them he has to be first in our lives regardless of whether our earthly father is here or not. I also explain to them how much our heavenly father loves us and provides for us. I try hard to help them understand that even when things don't go right here on earth, God is the one to help us get through it.

I have also made it a point to have all of the people around us remain their roles. Like keeping grandma, grandma and grandpa, grandpa and uncle John, uncle John. I am the disciplinary role. I am the one to enforce the "law" so to speak. My dad and brother do help me when they just flat don't listen to me. That has not happened a lot. However, I feel like this is working. I think it has helped them to feel as normal as possible. They haven't lost anymore relationships due to the accident. I have fought for their relationships to stay as close to the same as possible. I was told that I would be the "mother" and "father" role for the rest of their lives. That is not always the most popular way of thinking to those around me. I do think that it is working. It is hard really hard for me and those close to me to except this role.

I have also made sure that their lives were not disrupted as much as possible. I have tried from day one to keep their lives the same. I took them and helped coach their games the day after Scott died. I have made sure they stayed in sports and church. I have always been willing to coach any sport if need be. Thank the Lord amazing people have stepped up and done it for us. I have made it a point to not miss church as well. We are there as much as we can, unless someone is sick or we are out of town. Sunday nights and Wednesday nights are a priority for us. Because I have valued God and all that he is, my kids have done the same.

I also make it a point to try to strike up conversation about their dad. We talk about him often. I try to get them to talk about memories and say things that they would want to tell their dad. I try to help them think through decisions. By thinking about what their dad would want them to do. Scott always to told them 3 words to remember about life.... Lead Obey and Excel. We talk about that daily. How he wanted them to be leaders and obey their authority and always do their best, which in return would help them to excel.

With all of this said, we do have a lot of difficult times. I have times where I want to rip my hair out piece by piece. I have moments of going outside and screaming at the top of my lungs. They have moments that these strategies don't work. They have moments of crying and fighting. I always know when they need to talk about it. Because they will fight with each other non stop and everything makes them cry. I also put a line into action. If they need "mommy time" they have to tell me. There are so many of us in the house that I try to meet all of their needs and sometimes fail. So I need them to tell me when I am failing. I want to know when they need more time. So far they do tell me.

We are not a perfect family by any stretch of the imagination. But we are fighting and trying to be the best family that we can be.

The day it all went down...

It was a sunny Friday night, the kids and I were outside waiting on Scott to get home. We were all going to go out to eat. Scott got home late that night. It was the last nice day for a while. His argument was that there was going to be rain for the next several days. He was so excited to go for a "ride". He told me he was going to go up to the church to ride around and get the feel for it. He said I promise I will only be gone for 20 mins. To any of you that knew him, you knew that he was always late. I told him his 20 mins. was 3 hours. Little did I know it was going to be a life time. So he gave me a kiss and told me he loved me and left.

It was about an hour later that I heard sirens. I didn't think anything about it until my neighbor's son told Connor that there was a motorcycle reck. I still didn't panic. I loaded all of the kids into the car and headed out looking for him. I went to the church and to Tammy and Scott's house to see if he was there. Then I went down 215 hwy toward 13. I topped the hill to see all of the emergency response teams. As I got closer I saw my in-laws. Scott's sister and her husband. I knew something was not right. He came to my window and gave me the hard truth. Scott was gone. My kids heard the news. They instantly started crying. I know that the younger ones had no clue, but because the older ones were they were. I then pulled over.

I got my kids out of the truck. I got them in front of me and I got on one knee. I looked at them and said lets pray. I remember praying for wisdom and a peace. I asked the Lord to lead, guide and direct my/our every move. We said AMEN. I told the kids that daddy got to go home to be with the Lord. I told them his work was done here on earth. Daddy had told everyone that he was suppose to about Jesus. That is why he got to go home. And that one day when we tell everyone that we were suppose to, we would get to go home. It was then, I told them that we were going to have to fight for who Jesus is and who daddy was. We were in for the fight of our lives.

Let's jump to going home afterwards. Man that was hard. I didn't want to go inside. I sat outside in my driveway. There were several people there. I felt so blessed that they were all there. I remember lifting my hands and surrendering my life to the Lord. I asked him to use me for His glory. Even with all of the people there, I still felt like it was just me and the Lord. All I wanted him to do was give me the peace and wisdom that I needed to make it through this life. I never wanted to blame Jesus. I just wanted to understand. I wanted to know what he wanted to do with the life that he gave me.

I am jumping again to the visitation. Man there were so many people. Over a 1000 people. About 1/3 into it. I had a panic attack. And being 4 mos. pregnant, it really made me nervous. So I went to the back of the church. I started talking to Larry Crumply about what to do. I knew I had to be out there, I just didn't know if I could do it. I had a story for everyone out there. I could tell you who everyone was. So, I asked if I could address them from the pulpit. That is what I did. I can't tell you what I said. I don't remember. I did have several people tell me I did a great job. It is on tape. I am just not sure I am ready to watch it.

My dad moved in with me. My mom traveled back and forth from KC to Spfd. every week. I had a huge support team around me. They are still around me to this day. It was about 6 weeks after Scott died that we found out that John, my younger brother had cancer. He moved in with me too. We were just one big happy mess of a family. Yet we stuck together. I was not leaving him any more than he was leaving me. So it was me and my 5 kids, John (with no kids), and my mom and dad in my 4 bedroom home. O the times were some what difficult, yet they were filled with so much love and support. I believe that God was looking down on us with pride. I think we were doing what the bible talks about (being there for your immediate family). I have no doubt that we all know that our family sticks together through thick and thin.

How it all started....

It was my Junior year of high school that I went to Central Bible College for college days. Man I thought I was "it". I was the cool one of the bunch. Or so I thought. hahaha While down there hanging out with a Bryan and staying with his girlfriend I came across this dorky man. ( I will never forget this night.) He was all dressed in camo gear. Which I thought was a little strange, but I went with it. There was a group of us. We all decided to go out to eat at Country Kitchen. While there, this guy dressed in camo decided that he was going to have everyone sing "Happy Birthday" to me. NOTE... It was not my birthday. I was mortified! I couldn't believe that these college age people were singing to me on a day that was not my birthday. However, I did find this camo guy a little funny. That was the first time that I meet Scott Jett. He use to talk about his first in counter with me a little different. He could remember my outfit and who I was talking to and where I was standing. Yep that was my man.

Lets jump two years later. I was the new kid on campus. I went to Central Bible College. There I felt like a kid in a candy store with guys. They were all new and most I had never meet. I didn't know or care if I had the time of day with them. I just knew that I was ready for a good year. I couldn't wait. One of my first classes was a history class. As soon as I walked in the room, the first face that I saw was Scott's. I can still remember all of the people sitting around me to this day. I sat right in front of him. At this point I didn't like him. I didn't really know him. It wasn't long before I started liking him. It started off with study dates and "just hanging out". But then... Through all of the craziness I FELL IN LOVE.

I remember thinking how amazing he was. How caring and thoughtful he was. He treated me like a PRINCESS. I knew that I had the fairy tale man. It wasn't long before the "I love you's" came. Then the day he asked me to marry him. All I could think about was the fairy tale love that I had. I couldn't believe that I found the man of my dreams at the age of 18. We married January 3 1998.

It was the start of the best and worst of times. No one told us how much you had to work at marriage. However we were in it for the long haul. We became youth pastors at a church in Louisiana. There we encountered our hardest time in marriage. We were not in a healthy church. Therefore it flowed into our marriage. We struggled very badly. However, I do think that we learned a lot about ourselves and the ministry that we wanted. It was there Scott decided to go back to school for his masters in Marriage and Family therapy. It was then that we moved to Kansas City to start our new journey.

Scott then started his masters and we started a new church. Our church was amazing. They helped us heal from our past ministry and move on to our new life of ministry. It was there we were under the most wonderful youth pastors ever Larry and Mary Crumply. Scott became his associate pastor. We started a drama group that traveled. O the days of Fine Arts. I still to this day miss those days. After Scott finished his masters we then moved to Springfield so that he could finish his practicum hours.

We moved on Scott's dream farm. It was there he got his horses, tractors and hunting dreams. He was so excited to start his dream of a Youth Ranch. He called it his training. Everything he was doing was training him for the days of having troubled youth on his farm. The stories that we have are priceless. I could laugh for hours just thinking of them. We were on the farm for 5 years. There were struggles to living on the farm. Due to those struggles Scott felt a release to move off. He bought me our brand new home in July of 2008. He kept telling me it was his gift to me. I never understood why it was not "our" home. He said it was my home. My gift from him. Now that he is gone. I get it. He may have not known what was to come. But God did and knew I would need that peace. During the time of our move he also started at Central Bible College. He was the new Youth Ministry Professor. He finally got the job of his dreams. He was on cloud 9. Nothing could bring him down from his cloud. I was so proud to call him my man.

It was 7 weeks after we moved into our new home that he got his new motorcycle. He was soooo pumped. I surprised him at his class with all of his safety gear to ride. He was so excited. He kept asking me how he got me as his wife. I just smiled. I was so in love with him, I wanted to get him the world.

It was September 12, 2008 that he rode his bike for the first time. He promised me he was going to go to the church near by to try it out. Well, he took it on the 2 lane hwy instead. It was there, 2 miles from my house that he had a head on collision with an oncoming car.