Sunday, December 6, 2009

Just when you let your guard down...

You know for the most part, I am doing very well. I am thriving at life. I do love my life as I have it now. I wish things were different but I can't change that. So I look at what I do have. Man, I am a blessed girl. I look at my kids and the way they act and how they respond to issues in life and I beam with pride. Just like me they have their issues that they are having to work through, but for the most part they are doing amazing. I try to keep all of my thoughts under control. I don't want to go places that I know I can't change. Like, thinking about the whys and how comes. They don't do my any good. I try not to let myself go to sad places. Such as, thinking about if he was here what would I/we be doing. I know it will never be and that would be torture. But there are times like tonight, when some stupid feeling hit me and I want to collapse.

Our church had a progressive dinner. They had vans that drove all of the women. I had to drive because of Christian. He was at the church and he doesn't do well in the nursery. I wanted to be able to leave if I needed to. So anyways... I got to the first house and was all ready to go. I had a happy face on and felt good. Then all of the women got there, and the feelings of being all alone hit me. I am not sure how come or why. I just know that it stunned me. I felt overwhelmed and like I had no one there for me. I know with all of my heart that every single one of those women love me. But all night I couldn't shake that feeling. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and never come out. I had several women come up to me and tell me that they pray for me and my family. I know that they love me. But for some reason I was lost and all alone in a crowd of 50 women. Crazy!!!!!!!

I am not sure where I am going with this. But we all feel alone and lost at times. It is how we respond that makes us overcome the feelings. I did leave early. But I knew that I needed to. Putting myself in that position was not going to help me. It was getting worse. So I left. But I instantly start telling myself that God is on my side and loves me. I have to take my thoughts under control and move on. I am not feeling down right now. Typing all of this is getting it all out. I am not sure where God is taking me. I am sure that he has a perfect plan for me. I am allowing him to lead me and guide me. That is not so easy at times, but I am up for the task. I want to forever be used by him. So I will pick my head up and do my best to rise to what is before me. I don't like it! But I WILL MAKE IT!!!

Thank you for all of your prayers and for letting me vent about my evening.

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