Loneliness

It has been 16 mos. since the accident. I have managed to make it this far with the Lord right by my side. We are about to round the next corner of Christmas and the New Year. I thought that once again, I could make it through the Holidays with a breeze. Stupid Me!!! I am going to Christmas Parties and doing all of the "festivities" of the season. I hear stories of previous Christmas' and memories of those around me. I try not to make it known that I am broken inside, so I keep going on like nothing is wrong. Yet, inside I am extremely lonely inside.

I am at a very difficult time in my life. I am striving to make my children's lives as normal as possible. I am making the best of every moment. I long for the Lord to be right with me in all that I said and do. Yet, there is still a longing for someone to share it all with me. I want someone to cherish me and to love me and all that I have to offer. I long for a simple hug. The skin to skin touch. I would love to hear how amazing I am and how much they love me and all of my faults. To lay in bed and talk for hours. Or to call each other JUST to hear the sound of ones voice. I long for the day that I can have all of this again. I want to tell him how amazing he is to me. I want to cherish even more the small things in a relationship. Like... holding hands in the car ( like we were dating), or watching a movie together, maybe even taking a walk on the wild side. Meaning doing something that gets you out of your box. I don't know what that looks like, but I want to find that. I miss the I love you's and the cuddly moments.

Now, I have 5 kids. I will not trade them for anything in the world. However, I have made myself realize that, that is going to be a very large obstacle for someone to overcome. I don't know how long I will be in this area of my life. I am going to have to figure out how to deal with my feelings. I am not and will not compromise my values and who I am and who I want to become. At least I hope that I do not do that. I hope and pray that this time in my life goes by fast.

God told me that Scott was the man of my dreams at 19, but the man of my dreams at 31 was going to be much different. My needs at 19 and my needs now at 31 are much different. I can only hope that the man of my dreams is right around the corner.

Yet, with all of that said. I don't want to lose my ground that I have made with the Lord, for another man. If that makes since. I feel much better getting these feelings out and typed out. Thank you for following me and please continue to pray for me and my children.