Saturday, September 18, 2010

It hit me right where I was at.....

I am going through a lot right now. So much so, it is kind of overwhelming. I am just coming off of the 2 year anniversary with the death of Scott and many other crazy life things going on. I opened my bible tonight to a passage of scripture that I have read and known for many years. 1 Cor. 13..... The Looooove Chapter. hahhaha It was just what I needed to hear. It starts out with describing what love is and isn't. Love never gives up, cares more for others than for self, doesn't want what it doesn't have, doesn't strut, have a swelled head, force itself on others. Isn't always me first. Doesn't fly off the handle, keep score, revel when others grovel. It doesn't take pleasure in the flowering of truth. It puts up with anything. TRUSTS GOD ALWAYS. Always looks for the best, doesn't look back, KEEPS GOING TO THE END! Now that is a mouth full of stepping on my toes.
Then it goes on to say Love NEVER dies. Good stuff!!!!
Now to the part that hit me. I have been really struggling with knowing the details of where and why, I am, where I am. I want to know the future and see hope somewhere. In verse 9 of the Message it says "understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always in complete. BUT, when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled."

Meaning we can't see the situation at hand in its entirety. We have to trust God. We have to know and believe that He will complete what we can't see. We need Him to complete our situations in life. That is what faith and trusting Him is all about.

It goes on to say in verse 12 "We don't see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. (My favorite... I am clamming this) BUT IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE THE WEATHER CLEARS AND THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT!!!!! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"

O dear Jesus, would you please allow this storm to pass. And the blessings of your clear blue sky and bright, eye squinching sun to shine down on my life. I long for you to get this storm out of the way and the blessings to fall around me, in ways I could have never imagined.

The last section of this chapter says this... "But for right now, until that completeness, we have 3 things to do to lead us toward that consummation:
1. TRUST steadily in God
2. HOPE unswervingly
3. LOVE extravagantly

All of which do not come easily. They are easy to say and a lot harder to do. I have to trust that God loves me enough to lead, guide and direct my every move. Because I am putting Him first in my life. I have to hope that I am not really missing the mark on the decisions that I am making. And go back to trusting in THE God that is leading me. Then I have to love God first and foremost. So that I am able to love those around me and the "one" that God has for me in the future. Love doesn't take hurt away. But it does give me hope for the future.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Where are we, 2 years later?

WOW! I can't believe that it has been 2 years since I lost the man of my dreams. It has been a true roller coaster ride. So many good times and so many bad times. I have realized that the first year was survival. I thought the first year was going to be the hardest. Man was I wrong. The second year was reality. Reality is a lot harder to except than survival. So many emotions and hardships that have to be overcome. The reality of doing things on your own. Or even the simple tasks at home that need to be done. I have had an amazing support system along the way. My parents are incredible. I couldn't do what I do, as a mom and keep up, without them. Yet, getting the all of the kids homework done, dinner on the table, kids sports practices, then bathed and in bed, all to realize you are on your own. Better yet... disciplining 5 kids, that is hard. Before I got to be the easy one. Now, I have to be the hard one. I have to be the one to say NO! Ugh! That is hard for a momma that wants to give her kids all that they want and think they need. But, with the Lords help, I have made it so far. I have watched my kids overcome and survive an incredible dent in their life. They are full of energy and laughter, just like any other kid their age. They push my buttons and sometimes get away with it. Others not so much. I have had to figure out when they are using their hardship for their advantage and when they are truly hurting. Sometimes it is tricky. :) However, I am calling their bluff just as much as they are calling mine. haha
Connor is 11 and in 5th grade. This is the first year that he has started school with a smile on his face for the first time in 2 years. He is the Elementary School Treasurer for Stuco. He is one of the most thoughtful kids I have ever seen. He is always making sure that everyone in the family is taken care of. I have to constantly put him in his place, he is not the dad. He is the oldest brother. I do my best to make sure that he still gets to be a kid. He is in the middle of playing soccer. He chose to have the number 33 for his number. The age of Scott when he died. We talk about him as much as the kids are willing.
Caiden is 9 and in 4th grade. He is the Class Rep for stuco. He is a true leader. He loves to hunt and fish. The boy is so much like Scott it is scary. Anything he touches it turns to gold. He has a gift. I pray that he will use his talent in sports for the Lord. He is very sensitive to the Lord. I love it. He also, is playing soccer. He chose to have 4 as his number. The number 4 is Scott's favorite number. Caiden does his best to keep Scott's memory alive.
Grace is a girly girl. Yet, she can fight with the best of boys. She is 6 and in first grade. She is in gymnastics and playing soccer as well. That girl keeps my on my toes. I pray for her because she is just like her momma. Please pray for her too. hahha She knows what she wants and she goes for it.
Coltin, O my where do I start? He is Scott Jett on steroids. That boy is so full of personality and energy it kills me. He keeps me spinning, and I still can't keep up. Everyone laughs at him. He is extremely loud and very vocal. He is now 3 and in preschool. That poor teacher has her hands full. hahaha
Christian is now 1 1/2. The same age as Coltin was when Scott died. He is starting to really show his personality. He is very strong willed and has a temper. He will fight for whatever he wants. He is gaining his independence. He likes to do it for himself. I can't believe he is a toddler now and the baby days are over. I am excited to see his personality come together as he starts to talk.
Me....????? I am not sure where to start. I have come to a place that I am okay with Scott being gone. I don't like it. However, I am excepting the fact, he is where I long to be one day.... Heaven. I miss him like crazy. I miss the fun crazy times and long talks that we would have. But, I would much rather, be where he is right now. I am glad the survival and reality stages are over. I am hoping and praying that the third year, is one of finding my craziness and happiness again. I look forward to being a little wild and adventurous again. (Within the Christian standards of course ahhaha) I have decided that it is time for me. For the last 2 years it has been about my kids. I have for the most part, set them as priority. My needs coming last. Now it is time for Cori. I want to do what feels good for me. Things I like to do. I don't know what that looks like. Maybe date :) That sounds like fun. Yes, I have been on a couple of dates. Don't think about asking :) Cuz this girl isn't going to talk. hahahha I know the Lord told me, the man of my dreams at 32, is going to look much different, than the man of my dreams at 19. And that, I am okay with. I am praying and believing that God is going to lead, guide and direct me in all I do.
Thank you so much for all of your prayers. They are working. I feel the strength of the Lord in my life. He is and has been speaking to me. I long to please and live for Him. He is my ultimate priority in life. I want to see Him glorified. He is an amazing God, that loves me and you like crazy. I may not understand Why? or How come? But, I do find comfort in knowing He is in control of my life. No matter what happens He is going to take care of me. All I have to do is trust Him and His ways. Through everything I have been through the last 2 years, I know I am a very blessed girl!!!!