Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christ's Birth

As I went to bed last night a thought went through my head. Here it goes.....

I was thinking about the birth of Jesus. I was wondering about questions that I knew the answer to. But, I asked them anyways. Did God consult Jesus about the task at hand, before he was born? Did God give Jesus the chance to say " I don't want to do this!"? I know the answer is no! However, I was thinking about his life. I believe that Jesus questioned God and his plans. We also see that he still stayed faithful. He took his life and made it a servanthood. He made a mark everywhere that he went. Where am I going with all of this? I found all of this somewhat comforting to think about. We don't have the choice whether or not we are born into this world. But God does give us the question "Do you want to do this?". We don't get consulted about the task at hand. We do get asked "Do you trust me with the plans that I have for you?". We do have the choice to trust and follow or to deny and run. Are we willing, no matter what comes our way to stay faithful? I don't believe that Jesus' life was a cake walk. Why is it that we think this life should or would be any different?

I know this sounds crazy. I am okay with that hahaha. But, for some reason knowing that God had a perfect plan for Jesus is comforting. God tells us the same thing. "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I have always stopped at that verse but, if you go to the next verse it sums it up. "THEN you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all you heart. I will be found" Jer. 29:12-14a. When we trust and follow, that is when we will find the Lord. He never said this life/task would be easy. He did say that He would never leave us nor forsake us.

Food for thought. Merry Christmas!!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


It has been 16 mos. since the accident. I have managed to make it this far with the Lord right by my side. We are about to round the next corner of Christmas and the New Year. I thought that once again, I could make it through the Holidays with a breeze. Stupid Me!!! I am going to Christmas Parties and doing all of the "festivities" of the season. I hear stories of previous Christmas' and memories of those around me. I try not to make it known that I am broken inside, so I keep going on like nothing is wrong. Yet, inside I am extremely lonely inside.

I am at a very difficult time in my life. I am striving to make my children's lives as normal as possible. I am making the best of every moment. I long for the Lord to be right with me in all that I said and do. Yet, there is still a longing for someone to share it all with me. I want someone to cherish me and to love me and all that I have to offer. I long for a simple hug. The skin to skin touch. I would love to hear how amazing I am and how much they love me and all of my faults. To lay in bed and talk for hours. Or to call each other JUST to hear the sound of ones voice. I long for the day that I can have all of this again. I want to tell him how amazing he is to me. I want to cherish even more the small things in a relationship. Like... holding hands in the car ( like we were dating), or watching a movie together, maybe even taking a walk on the wild side. Meaning doing something that gets you out of your box. I don't know what that looks like, but I want to find that. I miss the I love you's and the cuddly moments.

Now, I have 5 kids. I will not trade them for anything in the world. However, I have made myself realize that, that is going to be a very large obstacle for someone to overcome. I don't know how long I will be in this area of my life. I am going to have to figure out how to deal with my feelings. I am not and will not compromise my values and who I am and who I want to become. At least I hope that I do not do that. I hope and pray that this time in my life goes by fast.

God told me that Scott was the man of my dreams at 19, but the man of my dreams at 31 was going to be much different. My needs at 19 and my needs now at 31 are much different. I can only hope that the man of my dreams is right around the corner.

Yet, with all of that said. I don't want to lose my ground that I have made with the Lord, for another man. If that makes since. I feel much better getting these feelings out and typed out. Thank you for following me and please continue to pray for me and my children.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Just when you let your guard down...

You know for the most part, I am doing very well. I am thriving at life. I do love my life as I have it now. I wish things were different but I can't change that. So I look at what I do have. Man, I am a blessed girl. I look at my kids and the way they act and how they respond to issues in life and I beam with pride. Just like me they have their issues that they are having to work through, but for the most part they are doing amazing. I try to keep all of my thoughts under control. I don't want to go places that I know I can't change. Like, thinking about the whys and how comes. They don't do my any good. I try not to let myself go to sad places. Such as, thinking about if he was here what would I/we be doing. I know it will never be and that would be torture. But there are times like tonight, when some stupid feeling hit me and I want to collapse.

Our church had a progressive dinner. They had vans that drove all of the women. I had to drive because of Christian. He was at the church and he doesn't do well in the nursery. I wanted to be able to leave if I needed to. So anyways... I got to the first house and was all ready to go. I had a happy face on and felt good. Then all of the women got there, and the feelings of being all alone hit me. I am not sure how come or why. I just know that it stunned me. I felt overwhelmed and like I had no one there for me. I know with all of my heart that every single one of those women love me. But all night I couldn't shake that feeling. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and never come out. I had several women come up to me and tell me that they pray for me and my family. I know that they love me. But for some reason I was lost and all alone in a crowd of 50 women. Crazy!!!!!!!

I am not sure where I am going with this. But we all feel alone and lost at times. It is how we respond that makes us overcome the feelings. I did leave early. But I knew that I needed to. Putting myself in that position was not going to help me. It was getting worse. So I left. But I instantly start telling myself that God is on my side and loves me. I have to take my thoughts under control and move on. I am not feeling down right now. Typing all of this is getting it all out. I am not sure where God is taking me. I am sure that he has a perfect plan for me. I am allowing him to lead me and guide me. That is not so easy at times, but I am up for the task. I want to forever be used by him. So I will pick my head up and do my best to rise to what is before me. I don't like it! But I WILL MAKE IT!!!

Thank you for all of your prayers and for letting me vent about my evening.