Monday, November 21, 2011

There are still days of mourning....

So many cool things going on in my life. Right now the kids are all adjusting to a blended family. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part the kids are loving each other. They are learning, the so called "pecking order". For some that is not fun. Others are having to much fun. So we are having to control that. When they are apart they want to be with each other... which I love. A blended family is WORK!!! It's a CHALLENGE!!! And I am WILLING TO TAKE IT ON!!!!! I love a house full of kids. (I will write more about the challenges of the blended family soon)

When Paul and I got married we quickly saw that we needed more space. So we have made the choice to add on to our home. We are adding a 3 car garage and adding another living room with a HUGE laundry room. I am soooooo excited to have everyone's clothes in the laundry room. It will be a community closet. I will be able to control the flow of clothes. Meaning, I don't have to fold clothes to have the kids throw them on the floor looking for something else. Mom's you totally get what I am saying. :) It is going to eliminate a lot of chaos out of my world. Super excited!!!!!!!

On Friday and Saturday, Paul and I had to clean out our existing garage and take everything to our new garage. That in itself was very overwhelming. So much stuff!!!!!! Yet, so very exciting because we were seeing progress! Progress for my new laundry room!!!! But, did I mention that all of the stuff was Scott Jetts? He was a total pack rat. He saved everything!!! My amazing husband started the project with his dad. They started trying to organize the best that they knew how. When I got home for the day, I dove into something that I knew was going to be a challenge, both physically and emotionally. Any time I go through Scott's things, it still brings up the past.

Just as I had thought, as I was digging through the "stuff" (books, old papers, clothes, all of his many hobbies) all of the emotions began to rush over me. I always think that I can control and overcome. However, I know deep down, that isn't possible. As I began to move things and go through things, I tried to hide my feelings. For those of you that know me, know I CAN'T hide my feelings long. There is a part of me that feels guilty for "feeling" what I feel. It messes with my head. I am married to one of the most amazing men I have ever known, and I was married to one of the most amazing men I had ever known. Put those two feelings together and you get mixed emotions all over the place. I didn't want Paul to feel insecure and I didn't want him to feel less. Therefore, I tried to hide my feelings.

As I began to get a little testy, I spilled it.... "My emotions are all over the place. I am excited to be building on. Yet, going through all of Scott's things brings back all of the feelings of loss. The feelings of what I lost. The amazing man in my life. And then I stand back and look at you (Paul) and see how blessed I am because of you." I began to cry. I cry as I type this. Paul, dropped all he was doing and held me as I cried in his arms. I explain it like this....

When you have your first baby, you don't think you will be able to love like that again. How could that be possible, is what we think. Until, we have that next baby. Holding them, we notice that we have that same depth of love for a completely different child. We don't love one more than the other. It's the same love, just for more of them now :) That is how I describe my love for Scott and Paul. It is the same depth of love. Yet, it is for a very different person. Losing Scott will always impact me. I will always miss him. Just as if I would have lost a child. You don't stop missing them because you have another child. Same for me with my spouses.

I am so grateful for Paul. I am grateful for his confidence in me and our love, that he will allow me to mourn when I need to. He will hold me and not judge our love in return. Most men would feel an insecurity toward the relationship. Instead, Paul knowing Scott, allows, walks and mourns with me and my kids. I am so grateful that God has blessed us with a strong, loving, compassionate, sympathetic, and caring man of God... PAUL PRESLEY!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!! I couldn't do what I do without his support!!! I AM BLESSED!!!!!!