Friday, November 6, 2009

Why I am where I am....

So, I went to my first counseling session this week. I have been advised by a lot of people to see someone, because of all of the stress that I have been under. You know... Losing the MAN of my DREAMS, with 5 kids to raise. So, I did it. I went to see someone. He was on staff at Central Bible College when Scott and I were there. He is now a professional counselor. I know my husband was a counselor, but I still had no idea what to expect. Basically, I told him where I was at in life. I feel like I was extremely honest and open. I have nothing to hide. I have always been an open book. Ask and you better be ready to receive. I left there with the impression that I was not normal. That the way I viewed life and where I am at is to good to be true. I don't blame God and I am not angry with him. I do get frustrated and upset at times, but I don't linger in those times. I let myself have a moment and then I move on. I think about my future, whether it be with another man or ministry. Where do I go from here. I just ultimately want to be in the will of my father. I want him to look down on me and be so proud of the way that I have handled life. I can't wait to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant".

All of that to say, it got me thinking. Why am I happy? Why am I not depressed? How come I am not mad at God?
From the beginning, I have had the most amazing support system in place. The day it all happened there were so many people at my house. The next day, I had friends organizing the funeral for me. They were sitting at my table going through pictures and songs. They were making "Daddy pillows" for my kids. I had people going to the mall to get us all clothes to wear for the next couple of days. People going shopping for my new house. Friends making a list of who was going to stay with me. They had a list of someone staying with me 24/7 for several months. They had meals organized for weeks. WOW and I am not done with yet. I had people taking care of my kids. They were taking them under their wings. Dads gathering around them and treating them like their own. People were organizing several fundraisers for me and my kids, trying to make sure that we were taken care of. I had and have people still willing to pray for me and my kids. That in it self is amazing. All of this took place the first 6 mos. or so.
Then you have my amazing family. I had my dad staying with me. He started working down here away from home. He was providing security for me and my kids. He was and is the most amazing man. I am so thankful for him and all that he does for me. My mom was traveling back and forth 2 hours one way every week. She would work from Wed. to Fri and then come down for the weekend. She was the fun Grandma that let the kids do what ever they wanted. She let them have so many fires. They thought she was it! And she kinda is. I am so thankful she is so giving and SO HELPFUL!!! Then you have my brother who started living with me due to getting cancer. He and I were feeling so many of the same feelings. We would stay up and talk for hours. He has helped me to deal with what I am feeling. He was an ear to hear when all I wanted to do was talk. He allowed me to get it all off of my chest. Since the beginning of summer my parents moved down here. They are over for every meal and we really are one big happy family. Yes we still fight and have our own opinions, but above all of that we love each other. We are a family that sticks together. My brother is still living with me. He provides so much security for my kids (and me, but don't tell hahaha). I am grateful for the family that God has given to me.
I also look back on my relationship with God. I will never forget walking onto CBC campus my freshman year. The second I stepped onto campus, I knew that I would never turn away from the Lord again. From that point on, I have strived to make my relationship with the Lord a strong one. I have always wanted to be in his will. Scott and I both talked about the Lord having to be above our marriage. We made it a point to seek God with all of our heart. I think because of that, I am where I am today. By putting him first before the accident, I was able to keep him first after. I knew who God was and what he was before. So when I lost Scott, I knew I could trust God to get me through. I knew and had experienced God enough to know, I didn't want to do it on my own. I have trusted God through everything that has happened. I do not understand. I am frustrated. But I still trust in the most amazing creator. I have never understood the verse that talks about our anger and not sinning in it. After Scott died that has come alive to me. I am angry at the hand I have been dealt. But, I am not so angry that I can not trust in God. I believe and know that he has me in the palm of his hands. Therefore, I have a peace that passes all understanding. I still wonder where I am going and what I am going to do, but I try not to question something that I know I don't have an answer to.

I hope and pray that I will always feel this way. I hope that I am not dealing with something. I don't want to say all of the right things. I want to say just how I feel. And looking back on everyone helping, I know I am blessed to be where I am at. I may not be normal, I have never claimed to be! I just want to be and proclaim everything that I have preached. I believe one day I will hear WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT. There is so much more that I could say, but I am done for now. Thank you for sharing in my story.

1 comment:

  1. I hope that I can live my life with that same faith consistently whether in the sunshine or the shade. Thank you so much for showing it is possible...