It was a new Revelation of Healing taking place.....

Last week I had a revelation. The Lord really spoke to me and showed me just how he was healing me and my heart. I woke up, and was headed to Springfield when the revelation took place.

Ever since Scott died, I have despised the song "It is well with my soul". It really made me angry. I have always thought that it was crazy that we sing about it being well with our souls. When really if we thought about what we were saying, would it really be well with our souls? I said NO! Looking back, it was my hurt coming out.

Then my next thought was... Would I go back and undo what has taken place in my life? I sat and began to think about that. I thought about all of the things that God has done in and through my life, Scott's life and the kids lives. Looking back I can see how God has created a different person. He has continued to mold me into HIS image. Before Scott died, I thought I was a weak person. Crazy I know, but true. Scott was my rock. Through all of this I see that I am stronger than I thought. I have watched God give me strength when I thought I had none. He showed me how to put my eyes on him and not on my situation. Every time I would look at my circumstances, it was like he gently would put his hand under my chin and turned my head back to him. He took my eyes off of me and made them kingdom focused. I have watched him prompt me to what is next with my children. I have also seen how he has helped me to be more confident when I hear his voice. God has shown me I can trust him no matter what comes my way.

I have watched how God is molding my kids, especially my older ones. He is making them leaders. He is showering them with all of the love and support they need. I keep praying and trusting that God has all of them in the palm of his hand.

I have seen God's hand upon my life, like I have never seen before! I have seen him provide EVERYTHING that I have ever wanted or needed. (AN AMAZING MAN OF GOD)

So the answer to my question.... Would I go back and undo what I have experienced? No, I wouldn't. I am blessed beyond measure! I will one day get to see Scott again. Knowing that makes it all seem okay for me! So, I guess :) I can say IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!!!!!!!!!! That is healing in my soul!!! Thank you Jesus!!!! That doesn't mean that I like what has taken place. I just wouldn't go back. It has to be all about Jesus!!!!

Thank you God for your grace, mercy and hand of protection upon my kids and I!!!!

There are still days of mourning....

So many cool things going on in my life. Right now the kids are all adjusting to a blended family. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part the kids are loving each other. They are learning, the so called "pecking order". For some that is not fun. Others are having to much fun. So we are having to control that. When they are apart they want to be with each other... which I love. A blended family is WORK!!! It's a CHALLENGE!!! And I am WILLING TO TAKE IT ON!!!!! I love a house full of kids. (I will write more about the challenges of the blended family soon)

When Paul and I got married we quickly saw that we needed more space. So we have made the choice to add on to our home. We are adding a 3 car garage and adding another living room with a HUGE laundry room. I am soooooo excited to have everyone's clothes in the laundry room. It will be a community closet. I will be able to control the flow of clothes. Meaning, I don't have to fold clothes to have the kids throw them on the floor looking for something else. Mom's you totally get what I am saying. :) It is going to eliminate a lot of chaos out of my world. Super excited!!!!!!!

On Friday and Saturday, Paul and I had to clean out our existing garage and take everything to our new garage. That in itself was very overwhelming. So much stuff!!!!!! Yet, so very exciting because we were seeing progress! Progress for my new laundry room!!!! But, did I mention that all of the stuff was Scott Jetts? He was a total pack rat. He saved everything!!! My amazing husband started the project with his dad. They started trying to organize the best that they knew how. When I got home for the day, I dove into something that I knew was going to be a challenge, both physically and emotionally. Any time I go through Scott's things, it still brings up the past.

Just as I had thought, as I was digging through the "stuff" (books, old papers, clothes, all of his many hobbies) all of the emotions began to rush over me. I always think that I can control and overcome. However, I know deep down, that isn't possible. As I began to move things and go through things, I tried to hide my feelings. For those of you that know me, know I CAN'T hide my feelings long. There is a part of me that feels guilty for "feeling" what I feel. It messes with my head. I am married to one of the most amazing men I have ever known, and I was married to one of the most amazing men I had ever known. Put those two feelings together and you get mixed emotions all over the place. I didn't want Paul to feel insecure and I didn't want him to feel less. Therefore, I tried to hide my feelings.

As I began to get a little testy, I spilled it.... "My emotions are all over the place. I am excited to be building on. Yet, going through all of Scott's things brings back all of the feelings of loss. The feelings of what I lost. The amazing man in my life. And then I stand back and look at you (Paul) and see how blessed I am because of you." I began to cry. I cry as I type this. Paul, dropped all he was doing and held me as I cried in his arms. I explain it like this....

When you have your first baby, you don't think you will be able to love like that again. How could that be possible, is what we think. Until, we have that next baby. Holding them, we notice that we have that same depth of love for a completely different child. We don't love one more than the other. It's the same love, just for more of them now :) That is how I describe my love for Scott and Paul. It is the same depth of love. Yet, it is for a very different person. Losing Scott will always impact me. I will always miss him. Just as if I would have lost a child. You don't stop missing them because you have another child. Same for me with my spouses.

I am so grateful for Paul. I am grateful for his confidence in me and our love, that he will allow me to mourn when I need to. He will hold me and not judge our love in return. Most men would feel an insecurity toward the relationship. Instead, Paul knowing Scott, allows, walks and mourns with me and my kids. I am so grateful that God has blessed us with a strong, loving, compassionate, sympathetic, and caring man of God... PAUL PRESLEY!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!! I couldn't do what I do without his support!!! I AM BLESSED!!!!!!

My Devotions for the day....

"The God who made the world and everything in it, this Master of sky and land, doesn't live in custom-made shrines or need the human race to run errands for him, as if he couldn't take care of himself. He makes the creatures; the creatures don't make him. Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; HE'S NEAR! We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well; 'We're the God-created.' Well, if we are the God-created, it doesn't make a lot of sense to think we could hire a sculptor to chisel a god out of stone for us, does it?

God overlooks it as long as you don't know any better-but the time is past. The unknown is now known, and HE'S CALLING FOR A RADICAL LIFE CHANGE! He has set a day when the entire human race will be judged and everything set right. And he has already appointed the judge, confirming him before everyone by raising him from the dead.

At the phrase 'raising him from the dead' the listeners split: Some laughed at him and walked off making jokes; others said, 'Let's do this again. We want to hear more.'

Acts 18:24:32 MSG

This was my devotion for the day. I found it to be good stuff, so I thought I would share. God is looking not only for a radical life change, but for RADICAL LIVING! A life lived for HIM! He's easily found when looked for! It is well worth the hunt! But, mind you the hunt will be short lived. Because he is waiting for you to turn your every move to him. Just like my status said, He is looking for us to go to HIS FEET FIRST in EVERY decision that we make. "For everything that we give to God is his responsibility, EVERYTHING WE KEEP IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY!" -unknown I think I would rather God have the responsibility. I would rather live in peace and know HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL!!!!!!!

Where are we 3 years later?.....

WOW! I can't believe that it has been three years since I lost Scott Michael Jett! I have so many mixed emotions. So many good emotions and yet still so many nerving and racking emotions. Of course there is still sadness. I lost someone very important to me. Someone who taught me how to love in a whole new way. Someone who helped me grow deeper in love with God. And someone who taught me how to be a mom and a wife. PRICELESS!!!!!!!! What a blessing that God thought enough about me to bless me with such an incredible man!!!! My heart hurts very deeply as I type this blog. Yet, my life is filled with so much joy and happiness. Strange! Weird! Crazy!!!!

Most of you know that on my birthday, July 28th I married an AMAZING man! Paul entered our life and brought 4 incredible kids with him! Most would think... What a burden! I say.... WHAT A BLESSING!!! I didn't know I could feel all of the joy and happiness again. Our lives are crazy! But, we make the absolute best out of what the Good Lord has given. We both know what kind of curve balls that life can throw and we have to enjoy the moments that we have now. It is the small things that become the greatest blessings. Our home is full of nerf swords and shields and war games. Both on video and real life. There is always a battle ragging and a war being won. hahahha The house is full of boys being boys. But, don't be mistaken.... The girls WILL BE GIRLS!!! Lots of girliness to go around. It is a chore to get the boys to realize these girls are girls and not their war zone. They love to have their space to be teachers and moms :) Most of all our home is filled with a whole lot of LOVE!!! Love that the Lord has blessed us with. Yet, what a challenge that the Lord has called Paul and I too. But, man WHAT A BLESSING to be a part of.

Connor is now in Jr. High. I can't believe it. He is in 6th grade and a manager for the basketball team. He is loving the freedom. I know that Scott would be so proud of him and all that he is becoming. I am so proud to be his mom. Paul is teaching him how to fix and work on "manly" things around the house. He is loving every minute of it. He is one of my gear heads :) He has upgraded to Youth group at church. I can't believe how time fly's. With all of the good, don't get me wrong he is still a JR HIGHER!!!! Full of challenges and words for me. LOL He is still a HUGE help for me!!!

Caiden is in 5th grade. He is wanting to be the same age as Connor. He can't wait for his freedom to hit next year. Caiden is playing soccer and loving it. Caiden has the "touch it, it turns to gold" life. He picks up talents very well. Just like Scott. He is fun to watch. He loves to challenge and be sneaky with his brothers. That boy is always looking for a crazy noise to make. Whether with his clapping of hands or just finding a loud OBNOXIOUS noise to make, he is going to find a way to be heard.

Grace is in 2nd grade. She is bold, bullheaded, super girly and ready to pop you on your head. LOL She loves to pretend that she is 10 years older than she really is. Grace is very good at school. She is very motivated. The girl is going to go somewhere in life... Bold and motivated! It is what is going to make her someday, but man it makes for challenging parenting.

Coltin, where do I start? The boy is crazy!!! Never stops talking and asking questions. Coltin is not only where the party is at... HE IS THE PARTY! I often wonder why he has all of the energy. He has more energy in one little body, than all of us combined.

Christian, is just starting the potty training. He has decided that making mud and "watering" the plants are a fun thing (peeing on them LOL). He is not a very outgoing personality. Yet, neither was Grace. So there is hope for him. hahha Christian thinks he is 10 like the rest of the boys. Until he gets hurt. Then he is back to being 2 again.

For September 12th and so many days to come, I will mourn the loss of an amazing man. He still was the man of my dreams. A man, I believe God allowed to be taken home. What a blessing for him. I hate what my kids are now having to deal with (the loss of their father). Yet, I see God all over their lives. I see how God has placed the PERFECT man into their lives. A man that is meeting them all right where they are. Paul is providing exactly what they had been lacking. Each one of them are starting to call him dad. Not by force, but by choice. That is a blessing!

Scott will ALWAYS be apart of our family! He will ALWAYS be talked about freely! Christian, my 2 year old talks about his "daddy Scott" being killed on a motorcycle. At first it was hard to hear, yet what a blessing to know just how much we do talk about Scott. He made a HUGE impact on my life and was such a blessing, I WANT TO PASS THAT DOWN to my kids. I want them to know just who they came from. I also want them to see how blessed they are, that God has provided a 3rd father into their lives... God our father, their "Daddy Scott", and now their "Daddy Paul".

So again, I will mourn this horrible day for the rest of my life. However, I am going to REJOICE in where and what God has done. I want to see all of the MANY blessings that HE has provided. I don't want to ever take them for granted! I am a very blessed girl. I look at my life and I am so thankful!! I/we don't have to understand "why" everything or some things happen. I do have to trust God that HE KNOWS!!! I just read a sign today.... "The peace on the outside is the GOD ON THE INSIDE!!! So true. God is so amazing!!!

I can't end this blog without asking....

What is the legacy that you are leaving behind?

The whole reason for this blog is because of Scott. Who he was! And the legacy that he left behind! The legacy that every life counts! The legacy of Christ in our lives. I think often of what I told the kids the night at the scene... "Daddy got to go home. His work was done here on earth. He has told everyone that he needed to tell about Jesus Christ. Now it is time for us to fight for WHO DADDY WAS AND WHO JESUS IS!!!! I can only hope that my life is representing Jesus LOUD AND CLEAR!!! I may not always do it right... But I WILL NEVER GIVE UP TRYING!!!!!!!

DETAILS!!!!!!!

On July 18th 2010, I gave Paul a chance with me. LOL :) He had been patiently and eagerly pursuing me. We flirted on facebook and that was the extent of our talking. I knew that we had a great connection. It wasn't until we talked on the phone that I knew! I knew that I was going to marry him. I didn't tell him that, but I did tell my mom. She thought I was crazy. Paul and I talked on the phone for 5 hours. My kids and his kids were running around while we talked. By the end of our conversation I had FALLEN IN LOVE! The next night we talked again for 4 hours. This started our streak of many long conversations to come. It was 2 weeks later that we met in person. He took me to a park. We walked the trails and just talked all about God and life. I came to realize that he was an incredible man. Both inside and out :) I learned all about his integrity, character and most of all his love for the Lord. He let me in on his ways of parenting and getting to the heart of the child. I has started changing the way that I parent my kids. Completely life changing. Paul and I have a connection that is beyond what I could describe to any of you. It is INCREDIBLE!!!!!

Through the last year we have had to learn each other and come to understand one another. In ways that are not always easy but rewarding! We have both gotten to grow together both physically and spiritually. He challenges me in every way. Paul and I have started learning the art of blending a family. Not an easy task. Yet, the joy that is in the midst of those challenges make it all worth while. Our kids have done amazing. They all act as though they have been blood siblings their entire life, which means lots of rivalries going on. In the midst of the rivals they laugh to the point they cry. LOL There really isn't anything better than listening to belly laughter from the kids. It makes us laugh.

So to the good stuff.... What happened....

Paul and I had been talking about getting married for a while. There were a few bumps in the road as to when that would happen. It wasn't until our 1 year anniversary of talking that we really started deciding when the right time was. We were talking about getting married the weekend of Aug. 5th. However, we were a little unsure of all the details. On Monday July 24, we made the decision to get married on the 6th of Aug. So on my birthday July 28th, Paul suggested that we get our marriage license. We did just that. :) He then took me to HuHot for dinner. One of my favorite places to eat. Afterward he had asked me what else I wanted to do. I said..." Andy's frozen custard sounds really good". Paul said... "How about let's get married" Me... "WHAT!"

Paul..."I am serious. Would you ever just elope and not tell anyone?"

Me..."ABSOLUTELY! That is a true elopement. Not telling anyone :)"

So we called Rian Bess. An incredible man and dear friend and cousin to Paul. He thought we were crazy. They had been swimming and were still in there suits. I loved it :) Rian was very worried about how he looked. He went and put on fresh clothes. As Heather (his wife, my bff) was in her swim suit cover up. All the while Lesa, was there and totally clueless. She said she knew something was going on. However, she is the sweet quiet one that would never really ask. I looked at her and asked if she knew what was going on. I then told her she was going to be our 2nd witness to getting married. She said right now? Yep right now :) I will never forget all of the giggles. It made it so fun. Paul and I were in the middle of Rian and Heather's living room. It was there we got married on July 28th. My birthday! The greatest gift ever!

From there we spent a couple of hours with just him and I. PRICELESS! We then went to pick up his kids. When he told them, they were filled with laughter and smiles. We all loaded in the van and headed to my house to tell my kids. No one made it inside before Joey made it known they were all brothers and sisters. The noise level went up 10 notches and didn't come down for a couple of days.

It has taken them all time to really figure out what all of this meant. However, we are seeing God go before us and prepare our way. He has given us favor in many ways we didn't see coming. I look forward to the future and all that it holds. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Then mean the world to me. I am a very blessed women. Thank you

Ps. 37:4

I was talking to a Pastor last night. Telling him a little bit about where I was in life. He spoke a scripture to me that I have heard many times. But for some reason it has JUMPED out at me.

"DELIGHT yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps. 37:4

The definition for delight: to take pleasure in....

The definition for pleasure: to be pleased or to take enjoyment in...

Sounds so elementary and simple. Yet, sometimes so hard to do in our walk with the Lord. It's about enjoying, and walking in His presence and peace every day. Not fretting about what is stressing us out. But, trusting that God is in control. Knowing that if we "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all things will be added" Matt. 6:33. He will take care of us. "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you" Heb. 13:5. God wants us to walk out our everyday life, knowing that He is watching out for us. He wants us to take pleasure in Him! He wants us to ENJOY Him! He wants to LOVE on us and for us to LOVE on Him.

And yet we want to make EVERYTHING so hard and complicated. We want to worry about the day or days to come. We focus on our situations instead of Him. Our focus has to be heavenly minded not circumstance minded.

I am having to learn to take my eyes off of what I see, and focus on what I can't see... God! Trusting that as I DELIGHT in Him, he is going to DELIGHT HIMSELF IN ME! He is going to give me the desires of my heart. He is going to take care of me and my kids. He is not worried about my circumstances or my situation. He already knows! So all of the fretting and worrying is only doing me harm. I keep thinking of how He has told us to pray...

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom,
the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever.

Amen.

This prayer is simple and easy. Yet, said with a lot of confidence it can go a long way in our daily walk with the Lord. If we will begin to pray like this, we will pray with more delight and pleasure and less about the things that are stressing us out. Focusing our prayers on the things that stress us out, sometimes stress us out more. Because we are always thinking about our circumstances.

All of this to say that, I have been praying all about my stresses and stressing myself out more. Instead of taking a step back and praying the simple prayers and trusting that God is going to take care of me. I have been walking through the day today, trying to enjoy and take pleasure in the Lord. Something that I know, but I am having to take myself back to a childlike faith. So maybe I need to read Psalms 37:4 like this....

BE PLEASED, TAKE PLEASURE AND ENJOY the LORD! HE WILL... GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART!

Loneliness

For the last couple weeks, loneliness has set in again. I hate writing about negatives, yet I feel better when I do. So I am going to get it off of my chest. I am convinced that loneliness, is hell on earth. It hits you in the gut with a force that takes your breath away. So much so, that finding air is next to impossible. There are so many things that play into the loneliness. One of the hardest things to deal with, is looking around at all of the people taking for granted what they have. There selfishness to what they want has over taken their love for their spouse. Watching and observing that and sitting where I am makes my heart ache. I want to get ahold of them and scream in their face. Wake up! Cherish what you have! All marriages are work, another one isn't going to make you happier! Work/FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOUSE!!!! I see them taking for granted the touch of the one they love, or the chance to serve them as if they were royalty. This may all sound so stupid, but when that love is the very thing I lost, seeing people neglect "that", is hard.

Just recently a scripture in 1 Timothy has come alive to me, that almost 3 years ago offended me.

"As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being IDLE and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander." 1 Timothy 5:11-14

This passage really offended me until now. Where is says our sensual desires will overcome Christ, being idle and busybodies got the best of me. I didn't understand that. I was and I am dedicated to God! He is my all! So how could this be true? How could I ever let my desires take over my dedication to Christ? How could I be idle with 5 kids? Really, I thought there was NO WAY this could be true. Until, I opened my eyes to the reality of where I'm at in life. My loneliness has taken over my thoughts and my actions. That is not something I am proud of, or even like to admit to you or myself. I keep very busy during the day. I am running and trying to keep up with my kids, making sure they are thriving, and the house is kept up (as much as you can with 3 little ones and 2 pre-teens). Yet, somehow in the midst of my busy body-ness, my mind is left idle. I can only read so much bible before my head explodes, and I look back wondering what in the heck I just read. Then, it is back to thinking about my life. How I got to where I am at. Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Is this all spiritual? Who is going to want me with 5 kids? How could I ask someone to take on such a task? What does God want to do with me? How was Scott's death, worth ALL of this. Who knows?!!!! The answers, to those questions don't matter. However, those are my thoughts. My idleness! It consumes me at times. Even in the midst of laundry or cleaning the house. It's an idleness that consumes me no matter what I am doing. And I have no idea how to get out.

There is more to it, than just telling me to put God first, read more of the bible, study more, dig deeper into what God wants from me, or to find out what He is trying to teach me. I can do this all day long. And at the end of the day I still feel lost and confused. No matter how much I have dug into God.

I will tell you that God is still my strength! He helps me make it through every day. I thank God for all that He has done and continues to do for me. Regardless of how I feel, He is still a good and faithful God!!! One that will not ever let me go!!!! A God that has sent his one and only son to die on the cross for my sins. No matter how I feel or what goes on around me, that makes Him worth serving!

My Dreams....

For the last couple of weeks I have been looking into my life. Trying to figure out my purpose. Why am I here? What does God want to do with me? I look ahead and have no idea where I am going. I have looked behind me to see what my past dreams were. Where and what did I see myself doing? What is it that God called me to do and be? Ever since I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be a mom and a wife. I dreamed of having a house full of kids. My Junior year, I was called into ministry. Then at 19, I married the man of my dreams. Seriously! I became his support and biggest cheerleader. That became my dream. Cheering him on and watching God use him in mighty ways. Looking back Scott's dreams became mine. Any dream that he had, I was on board. To me he walked on water. If Scott said it, it was gold. I was made fun of for this. But, I didn't care. His dreams were mine. I was willing to do what ever it took (except travel the world with all of our kids). LOL In the midst of his dreams I wanted stability. He lived out almost all of his dreams!

It didn't hit me until today that I didn't dream for me. My dreams were being fulfilled. I was a mom to 4 almost 5 kids, a wife and in ministry. Now that he is gone, I'm no longer in ministry. I'm still trying to find stability. I guess living out my life is a ministry, but it isn't fulfilling enough. I want more. I want a vision of what God wants to do with me. I am still fighting to be the best mom that I can be. Making sure that they are lacking for nothing. However, I have lost my dreams.

So now, what about Cori? What about my dreams? Were they shattered the day he died? Surely this isn't it? Wasn't the women supposed to be the support role in a marriage? How do I go from that, to being on my own? How do I find myself after being wrapped up in Scott's dreams? How do I step out to do the will of God, when Scott was the "one" that was known, not me? How do you shake the fear? Where to start my dreams? How do I begin my dreams? So, now what?

All I know is that I want to be used by God. I want to see purpose in the death of Scott. I long to see his legacy that he left behind continued and my dreams to be fulfilled. Pray that God will show me my hope, dreams and visions for the future.

Is "it" a blessing or a curse?

I am So ready for this stage of my life to be over with. I am ready for the next step or phase that life has to offer. I still have a lot of questions of why's and how come. I still sometimes question God... What have I done that you feel I need punished so sever? I have searched my life to find all the area's that I could have messed up in and asked God to forgive me. I have pleaded with God... PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I was just listening to a sermon the other day that got me thinking. The pastor said if you are not seeing the blessings of God in your life then you need to be finding out what YOU are doing wrong. Again, I dug deep. Trying to find out what I have done wrong. I have shed many tears because of these CRAZY feelings. And CRAZY feelings is what they are. I know God better than that. I know His nature better than that. Though he is a God that disciplines his children, he is not a God that is full of anger towards his children that love him. He is loving, gracious, merciful, compassionate and full of blessings to the ones that live for him. HE IS A GOOD GOD! "The Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Ex. 34:6

I have also had to dig deep in the bible to find out what God thinks of the widow. I have found that he is compassionate towards her. He is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows (Ps. 68:5) We are under his special care and protection. "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow" Deut. 10:18 Widow's have a special place in God's heart. :) Which leads me to yet another question....

Am I where I am because I am cursed because of what I have done? Or Is it God's blessing on my life? Now that sounds sick and twisted to me. However, I read a blog yesterday that has got me thinking. It talked about seeing the blessings of where we are at, not at the curse of where we are at. God doesn't curse the ones that love him! HE BLESSES THEM!!!! If it isn't because of what I have done wrong then why? I believe it is because God has a greater much larger plan, full of blessings that I could never think or imagine. I believe that God could have prevented Scott from dying. However, I believe that God knows WAY more than we can understand. Who knows what He is preventing or sparing us from. Again, I can play the question game. But, I am choosing to rest in the fact that God's ultimate plan is HIS kingdom. Our lives are for His glory to be revealed in and through us! So, I have to see His blessings in my life! That is not always easy to do. Because I want to see the things that I want and don't have.... A husband.

He has blessed me with an amazing family. My parents have gone above and beyond the call. My kids are AMAZING! God knew that I need each one of them to get me through! I need them as much if not more than they need me! :) God has surrounded me with great friends. I can feel him sustaining me. I may not like where I am at, I don't have too. But, I do have to trust him. And in this huge trial of life, I am doing just that. I AM TRUSTING HIM!

Thank you so much God for your unfailing love. You have strengthened me and sustained me throughout this adventure. You have allowed me to make decisions that have not been the best, all to help me learn. You have also guided me through this maze of life and protected me. You are helping me to develop my kids into the men and women of God that you are calling them to be. Our house may be full of craziness, but it is full of love. Your love! I am seeing the you bring all of us closer to you. And that is PRICELESS, no matter how much I don't like the way it feels. Continue to help, lead, guide and direct us. Don't let my foot slip. Keep me on track! Thank you for your many blessings that you have given me. AMEN!

It's time to seek God like Asa lead Judah to do!

In my time with the Lord today it was powerful! Here it is :) 2 Chronicles 14-15

Let me set the stage for you. Asa had just become King over Judah. Upon becoming King he did a little house cleaning. He got rid of all of the pagan altars and shrines. He smashed the sacred stone pillars and chopped down the sex-and religion groves. Again, he "cleaned house". He told the people to CENTER THEIR LIVES IN GOD (14:4) They needed to follow the law and the commandments. After Asa "cleaned house" his kingdom was at peace (vs 6). During their time of peace they decided to build up their defense system. They prepared their city for battle. In the midst of their peace they realized why they had peace; because they had sought God. He gave them rest from all troubles (vs. 7). Then out of now where the Ethiopians came warring against them. Asa went to God humbly asking him to help them in battle (vs 11). God did just that. He defeated the Ethiopians!

In our own lives we sometimes wonder why we aren't seeing favor with the Lord. I say today maybe we need to do a little house cleaning of our own. Dig deep and get rid of the junk that is holding us back from God. It is time that we CENTER OUR LIVES IN GOD! It is time for us to take our focus off of ourselves and back on HIM. Then we will see and feel His peace in our lives. And when we are in the midst of that peaceful mountain top; we NEED to prepare for the battles ahead. Such as a life tragedy. Or even just the craziness of life. Prepare! Dig deep into the word of God and seek Him like never before. Because just around the corner is going to be a bump in the road. It's the life that we live in. When we seek and prepare like Asa; God does the battle. We have to remind ourselves that when we truly surrender to God we don't have to worry about the battle. Because the battle is already won!

Chapter 15

God had spoke to Azariah; he was to go to Asa. He told Asa.... "God will stick with you as long as you stick with him. If you look for him he will let himself be found; but if you leave him he'll leave you". He also told him that for a long time Israel didn't have the real God. However, when they got in trouble they got serious about Him. And when they got serious about God; God allowed himself to be found (15:4). It was a crazy time. People all around them were at war and at each others throats. Azariah said this to Asa "But it's different with you: BE STRONG. TAKE HEART. PAYDAY IS COMING!!!! (vs 7) Asa heard all the Azariah had said. So he went to work, cleaning house again. Getting rid of all that wasn't pleasing to God. Through all of the craziness, he joined forces with those around him. They made a covenant to seek God WHOLEHEARTEDLY holding NOTHING BACK (12). They made this covenant with joy in their hearts (15). ANTICIPATING the BEST! They sought God-and HE SHOWED UP! Ready to be found. He gave them PEACE!!!!!

We have to always remember that God will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. If we want to find God, we are going to have to get serious about it. No more playing church, but LIVING it. It is time that we form a covenant with God, to follow Him NO MATTER WHAT! And do it with great joy in our hearts. And as we follow Him ANTICIPATING GREAT THINGS!!!! THE BEST! God wants nothing but the best for us. And when we seek Him, knowing He is waiting to be found. Along our journey knowing just like Asa, we aren't going to do it all right (vs 18). But if our heart is in the right place God WILL HAVE GRACE. He will know our intentions. And bless us abundantly!!!!

It's all an illusion...

We have all heard... The grass is greener on the other side. That is just about how I feel right now. I am looking around seeing everyone's happiness. I see weddings taking place, pregnancies, and babies being born, all around me. Shear happiness. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooo excited for all of these people around me. I have been in every situation. They are fun and exciting. They are times to cherish and enjoy. I remember the day I married Scott. I couldn't take the smile off of my face. Or the day that I had each one of my kids. How exciting. It all brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. Tears of joy and tears of sadness.

The sadness that the man that helped me bring all of this joy into my life is now gone. I am stuck learning new ways and and new relationships. I have never been one to date. And now I am finding myself giving my heart away and seeing it leave before me. The ups and downs to being a momma of 5 with a husband that is no longer here to help me along this journey. The journey of raising a soon to be teenager all the way down to a toddler. Talk about hard and overwhelming. I find myself saying..."Really God this is what you have for me? Are you sure? Because, I am not." I feel like I look around me and all I see is business. Friends, along with myself have all gone astray. So the loneliness sets in. The determination of not looking back and fighting forward takes over. It is time to fight the feelings of giving up and letting go. I just am not sure I am there yet.

I was having a self pity party last night. Telling God about all of the happiness around me. How happy everyone else gets to be. Asking God what I did wrong? Why did I have to go through all of this? Why can't I just have the happy life like everyone else gets to? God's response to me was this.... It is all an illusion. The illusion is satan trying to trap your mind. Yes people are happy around you. However, everyone has their own issue. But you can't see that. You are only focused on what they have that you don't. A husband. By focusing on everyone else's happiness it is killing yours. OUCH!!!!

I don't know that it has sunk in. But, it is going to have to sink in quickly!!!!

Relationships!!!!!

I am at it again.... Here is goes.... God has been talking to me and changing me. All for the better. I am so excited. I love to hear His voice and see him showing me new things. Here was my devotion today.

This is all about relationships, but please look into your marriage relationships first. I am not saying I am perfect or that I have it all figured out. I am going to say what I feel very strongly, about what God showed me.

Proverbs 19 It's a Proverb a day :) I am going to jump around on a few verses.

It is all about listening! Sometimes we don't want to listen to what those around us have to say to us. Our actions are justified to us. We make excuses for why we do what we do. Instead of listening to what the other person is really saying.

In Proverbs 19:20 "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."

By listening to what the other person has to say we validate what they are feeling. We have to look through their eyes. By doing so we are no longer justifying our actions, we are gaining understanding. When we gain understanding, we gain the desire to accept instruction. Instruction of what the other person NEEDS! Relationships can't be about just our needs, but that of the other persons as well. By LISTENING and ACCEPTING we GAIN WISDOM! Wisdom of just how to handle the situation at hand.

The instruction IS ALL ABOUT DISCIPLINING OUR ACTIONS! No one ever said disciplining ourselves or receiving discipline was easy.

Prov. 19:8 "He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers."

By receiving discipline of all kinds we gain the wisdom to handle every situation. By gaining the wisdom and understanding we WILL PROSPER!!!!

Our relationships require us to see through the other persons eyes. By listening, looking and understanding, our relationships will be successful!

Prov. 19:11 "A man's wisdom gives him patience"

I believe by Listening, Looking, and Understanding we gain Wisdom. By gaining the wisdom we need we gain the desire to be patient. Patience comes from understanding where the other person is at.

So often when someone comes to us to confront us, we make excuses. Instead of listening to what they have to say and gaining the understanding we need to handle the situation. By understanding what is at hand, we have to take action. Our actions require discipline and the desire to change.

Not only does the pertain to the relationships around us, but to the relationship that we have with God. It is time we all stop making excuses to our actions and looking at our actions through the eyes of someone else. Our intentions could be good, but our actions and reactions could be quite the opposite. We have to line up our intentions with our actions and reactions, in order to have successful relationships.

I am not pointing anyone out. Just simply what God pointed out to me!!!! It hit me square between the eyes!

I had no idea it has been 7 months since I last blogged!

Life is crazy! So many ups and downs! So many joys and sorrows! An through it all, so many places for growth. Growth in the Lord! Which makes EVERYTHING worth it. God never told us or promised us that this life was going to be easy. He has promised us in Heb. 13:5 " Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you"!!!! As most know, the last couple of months has been a roller coaster ride for me. However, I have watched the Lord transform me in ways I had no idea he could do.

God showed me an important aspect to me and who I was. All of my life I have known that I had a very strong personality. I was not raised in ministry. Therefore I didn't always say the "right" things, in the right way. So, Scott became my security in a social setting. Those of you that knew Scott, knew he had amazing people skills. I began to lean on him to filter my words. He became my "safety net". Having him around gave me a security in knowing he would help me to do and say the "right" things. I leaned on Scott more than I leaned on God. After Scott died, I lost who Cori was. My security was gone! God showed me what I was doing and had done. After the accident I only wanted the people closest to me, to be around me. I didn't want anyone around me that would take "work", as far as a relationship was concerned. Not to be mean, and not that I didn't like them. It was because I didn't feel safe. I was scared. Then some things happened along the way of life.... Instead of pushing through the safety of friendships and fighting for the ones that I loved.... It was easier to run. I was scared to death to say or do the "wrong" thing. I had no one to filter my thoughts through. Again, my "safety" was gone. He was no longer there to help me get through one of the toughest times in my life. I left everyone and everything behind that became unsafe to me. Please understand that I had no idea I was doing this. I still believe with all of my heart, that God was leading me. However, I pushed all that I had, away. All out of fear of loosing again. It is one of those things, that you create the very things you are afraid of. In a social setting, I would blossom again as long as I had someone that I found safe with me. I was clingy to the select couple of people. I didn't see any of this until God showed me recently.

I was told over and over that I had walls up and wouldn't let anyone in. I was a very strong person. I never saw that "strong" person in me. I saw a very weak women that had 5 kids and no husband. A women just surviving! Then God showed me the "tower" I had become. I was afraid of people around me and I was trying to "get through" life. Because of the fear I had, (the safety issues) people took it like I was to good or that I didn't need them. That is not true. I was a weak, scared girl with 5 kids trying to get through life, the best way I knew how.

I believe that God is showing me and helping me to lean on him for my safety. To trust in him! I am very thankful, for a God that is loving, compassionate, merciful and gracious! His ultimate goal for our lives is "Kingdom" bound!!!! That means that life is not going to be easy! But the end result is going to be so rewarding. I can't wait to hear... "Well done my good and faithful servant"!!!! Matt. 25:21