God showed me an important aspect to me and who I was. All of my life I have known that I had a very strong personality. I was not raised in ministry. Therefore I didn't always say the "right" things, in the right way. So, Scott became my security in a social setting. Those of you that knew Scott, knew he had amazing people skills. I began to lean on him to filter my words. He became my "safety net". Having him around gave me a security in knowing he would help me to do and say the "right" things. I leaned on Scott more than I leaned on God. After Scott died, I lost who Cori was. My security was gone! God showed me what I was doing and had done. After the accident I only wanted the people closest to me, to be around me. I didn't want anyone around me that would take "work", as far as a relationship was concerned. Not to be mean, and not that I didn't like them. It was because I didn't feel safe. I was scared. Then some things happened along the way of life.... Instead of pushing through the safety of friendships and fighting for the ones that I loved.... It was easier to run. I was scared to death to say or do the "wrong" thing. I had no one to filter my thoughts through. Again, my "safety" was gone. He was no longer there to help me get through one of the toughest times in my life. I left everyone and everything behind that became unsafe to me. Please understand that I had no idea I was doing this. I still believe with all of my heart, that God was leading me. However, I pushed all that I had, away. All out of fear of loosing again. It is one of those things, that you create the very things you are afraid of. In a social setting, I would blossom again as long as I had someone that I found safe with me. I was clingy to the select couple of people. I didn't see any of this until God showed me recently.
I was told over and over that I had walls up and wouldn't let anyone in. I was a very strong person. I never saw that "strong" person in me. I saw a very weak women that had 5 kids and no husband. A women just surviving! Then God showed me the "tower" I had become. I was afraid of people around me and I was trying to "get through" life. Because of the fear I had, (the safety issues) people took it like I was to good or that I didn't need them. That is not true. I was a weak, scared girl with 5 kids trying to get through life, the best way I knew how.
I believe that God is showing me and helping me to lean on him for my safety. To trust in him! I am very thankful, for a God that is loving, compassionate, merciful and gracious! His ultimate goal for our lives is "Kingdom" bound!!!! That means that life is not going to be easy! But the end result is going to be so rewarding. I can't wait to hear... "Well done my good and faithful servant"!!!! Matt. 25:21