Is "it" a blessing or a curse?

I am So ready for this stage of my life to be over with. I am ready for the next step or phase that life has to offer. I still have a lot of questions of why's and how come. I still sometimes question God... What have I done that you feel I need punished so sever? I have searched my life to find all the area's that I could have messed up in and asked God to forgive me. I have pleaded with God... PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I was just listening to a sermon the other day that got me thinking. The pastor said if you are not seeing the blessings of God in your life then you need to be finding out what YOU are doing wrong. Again, I dug deep. Trying to find out what I have done wrong. I have shed many tears because of these CRAZY feelings. And CRAZY feelings is what they are. I know God better than that. I know His nature better than that. Though he is a God that disciplines his children, he is not a God that is full of anger towards his children that love him. He is loving, gracious, merciful, compassionate and full of blessings to the ones that live for him. HE IS A GOOD GOD! "The Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Ex. 34:6

I have also had to dig deep in the bible to find out what God thinks of the widow. I have found that he is compassionate towards her. He is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows (Ps. 68:5) We are under his special care and protection. "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow" Deut. 10:18 Widow's have a special place in God's heart. :) Which leads me to yet another question....

Am I where I am because I am cursed because of what I have done? Or Is it God's blessing on my life? Now that sounds sick and twisted to me. However, I read a blog yesterday that has got me thinking. It talked about seeing the blessings of where we are at, not at the curse of where we are at. God doesn't curse the ones that love him! HE BLESSES THEM!!!! If it isn't because of what I have done wrong then why? I believe it is because God has a greater much larger plan, full of blessings that I could never think or imagine. I believe that God could have prevented Scott from dying. However, I believe that God knows WAY more than we can understand. Who knows what He is preventing or sparing us from. Again, I can play the question game. But, I am choosing to rest in the fact that God's ultimate plan is HIS kingdom. Our lives are for His glory to be revealed in and through us! So, I have to see His blessings in my life! That is not always easy to do. Because I want to see the things that I want and don't have.... A husband.

He has blessed me with an amazing family. My parents have gone above and beyond the call. My kids are AMAZING! God knew that I need each one of them to get me through! I need them as much if not more than they need me! :) God has surrounded me with great friends. I can feel him sustaining me. I may not like where I am at, I don't have too. But, I do have to trust him. And in this huge trial of life, I am doing just that. I AM TRUSTING HIM!

Thank you so much God for your unfailing love. You have strengthened me and sustained me throughout this adventure. You have allowed me to make decisions that have not been the best, all to help me learn. You have also guided me through this maze of life and protected me. You are helping me to develop my kids into the men and women of God that you are calling them to be. Our house may be full of craziness, but it is full of love. Your love! I am seeing the you bring all of us closer to you. And that is PRICELESS, no matter how much I don't like the way it feels. Continue to help, lead, guide and direct us. Don't let my foot slip. Keep me on track! Thank you for your many blessings that you have given me. AMEN!