Thursday, June 30, 2011

My Dreams....

For the last couple of weeks I have been looking into my life. Trying to figure out my purpose. Why am I here? What does God want to do with me? I look ahead and have no idea where I am going. I have looked behind me to see what my past dreams were. Where and what did I see myself doing? What is it that God called me to do and be? Ever since I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be a mom and a wife. I dreamed of having a house full of kids. My Junior year, I was called into ministry. Then at 19, I married the man of my dreams. Seriously! I became his support and biggest cheerleader. That became my dream. Cheering him on and watching God use him in mighty ways. Looking back Scott's dreams became mine. Any dream that he had, I was on board. To me he walked on water. If Scott said it, it was gold. I was made fun of for this. But, I didn't care. His dreams were mine. I was willing to do what ever it took (except travel the world with all of our kids). LOL In the midst of his dreams I wanted stability. He lived out almost all of his dreams!
It didn't hit me until today that I didn't dream for me. My dreams were being fulfilled. I was a mom to 4 almost 5 kids, a wife and in ministry. Now that he is gone, I'm no longer in ministry. I'm still trying to find stability. I guess living out my life is a ministry, but it isn't fulfilling enough. I want more. I want a vision of what God wants to do with me. I am still fighting to be the best mom that I can be. Making sure that they are lacking for nothing. However, I have lost my dreams.
So now, what about Cori? What about my dreams? Were they shattered the day he died? Surely this isn't it? Wasn't the women supposed to be the support role in a marriage? How do I go from that, to being on my own? How do I find myself after being wrapped up in Scott's dreams? How do I step out to do the will of God, when Scott was the "one" that was known, not me? How do you shake the fear? Where to start my dreams? How do I begin my dreams? So, now what?

All I know is that I want to be used by God. I want to see purpose in the death of Scott. I long to see his legacy that he left behind continued and my dreams to be fulfilled. Pray that God will show me my hope, dreams and visions for the future.

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