Friday, May 27, 2011

It's all an illusion...

We have all heard... The grass is greener on the other side. That is just about how I feel right now. I am looking around seeing everyone's happiness. I see weddings taking place, pregnancies, and babies being born, all around me. Shear happiness. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooo excited for all of these people around me. I have been in every situation. They are fun and exciting. They are times to cherish and enjoy. I remember the day I married Scott. I couldn't take the smile off of my face. Or the day that I had each one of my kids. How exciting. It all brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. Tears of joy and tears of sadness.
The sadness that the man that helped me bring all of this joy into my life is now gone. I am stuck learning new ways and and new relationships. I have never been one to date. And now I am finding myself giving my heart away and seeing it leave before me. The ups and downs to being a momma of 5 with a husband that is no longer here to help me along this journey. The journey of raising a soon to be teenager all the way down to a toddler. Talk about hard and overwhelming. I find myself saying..."Really God this is what you have for me? Are you sure? Because, I am not." I feel like I look around me and all I see is business. Friends, along with myself have all gone astray. So the loneliness sets in. The determination of not looking back and fighting forward takes over. It is time to fight the feelings of giving up and letting go. I just am not sure I am there yet.
I was having a self pity party last night. Telling God about all of the happiness around me. How happy everyone else gets to be. Asking God what I did wrong? Why did I have to go through all of this? Why can't I just have the happy life like everyone else gets to? God's response to me was this.... It is all an illusion. The illusion is satan trying to trap your mind. Yes people are happy around you. However, everyone has their own issue. But you can't see that. You are only focused on what they have that you don't. A husband. By focusing on everyone else's happiness it is killing yours. OUCH!!!!
I don't know that it has sunk in. But, it is going to have to sink in quickly!!!!

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