Sometimes I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry. Stomp my feet, kick scream and yell. Walk away and never look back. I know that is not the answer. I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY CHILDREN EVER EVER!!! However, it would be such a lie to pretend that life is a bed of roses. I don't like nor do I know how to live this life that God gave me. To have the most amazing marriage and to be totally in love just to have it ripped out from under you in a 30 min period, is almost more than I can take. Some tell me at least I have loved. I think it is equally as bad to have never loved at all. When you find true love, it is the greatest thing in the world. And when you loose it, you will long for it again. I see different people around me that have divorced a bad situation and are content with being alone. Sometimes I long to be in that contentment. I know the bible says to be content in all areas. But, I really don't know if I can be content in this area of my life. I know what amazing love is with our heavenly father, as well as with a spouse. I long to have that love again. I know my situation is not normal. It is not every day that a women with 5 kids goes on the "market" again after 12 years. People around me tell me God wouldn't take the man of my dreams and not give me someone equally as good. But I can't help but think in my head, I didn't think God would do this to me. How can I be so confident in that statement. I do know that God has a plan for my life. I am longing to see all of this trial used for his glory. I just ache inside so bad. I don't understand and want to find purpose in it all. I am determined to press on to receive the prize. I can only hope and pray that the Lord would grant me the peace and patience to wait for what and who he has for me. Because the thought of dating turns my stomach. Not because I am not ready to love again, but because I would have to put my heart out there.

Thanks for letting me unload.....

There is freedom for believers.

Though I am about to state that there is freedom in Christianity, there is also laziness.

In 1Corinthians 10:23-33

:23 "Everything is permissible- but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible-but not everything is constructive." NIV

:23 Looking at it on way, you could say, "Anything goes. Because of God's immense generosity and grace, we don't have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster" But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well but our foremost efforts should be to help other live well. The Message

I do believe that there is freedom in our christian walk. I think that is why God gave us his grace. Romans 3:23-24 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Romans 6:1-2 "What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We died to sin how can we live in it any longer."

I think that to many christians are justifying their walk under God's grace. I think it is important to state that living on the edge is not going to get you into the kingdom. Rev. 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm neither hot nor cold I am about to spit you our of my mouth."

God doesn't want us to live on the edge of our christian walk. We would like us to "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith" Heb. 12:1-2a. We need to set every hinderance aside. Not only for our own good, but for the good of others. 1 Cor. 10:32a "Do not cause anyone to stumble".

"But except for these special cases. I'm not going to walk around on eggshells worrying about what small-minded people might say. I'm going to stride free and easy, knowing what our large minded Master has already said." 1 Cor. 10:31 The Message.

I liked this version. I think as we walk out our faith we need to be aware of those around us. Not condemned by them. "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling." But, as we walk this christian life we should be like Paul in 1Cor. 10:33- 11:1 "For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that thy may be saved. Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ."

One more thing. I do not believe we are going to see God's miracles until we set aside everything that hinders us. I believe that when we start living a sacrificial Christian walk we will then see the miracles of God. We will be ready and prepared for what and when God calls us to action.

My devotion for tonight....

Habakkuk 1:1- 2:3

1:1-4 Habakkuk had been praying and not seeing or hearing God.

1:5 "Look at the Nations and watch and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told."

2:3 "For the revolution awaits an appointed time, it speaks of the end, and will not prove false, though it linger, wait for it, it will certainly come and will not delay."

Habakkuk didn't understand what he was seeing around him. It didn't make sense to him. The fighting going on was extremely confusing. So he cried out to God. Pleading with him to change things. God responded with the fact he was going to do something amazing and even if I did tell you, you wouldn't believe me. Habakkuk had to have enough faith in God to wait for the coming revolution. Regardless of the outcome.

In our lives we may not understand what is going on around us. It may look confusing, crazy and not make sense to us. But we have to remind ourselves that God has a plan for each of us. And just maybe, even if he did clue us in on the plan, we wouldn't believe it. We have to remind ourselves that we are going to have to wait for him to reveal his plan. He never said this life was going to be easy. He did say he would always walk with us and never ever leave us!!! Now that is something to be thankful for.

I was preaching to myself in the car...

Is our relationship with the Lord strong enough to with stand tragedy? I have had to come to grips with my relationship. I don't know the answers to the whys and how comes, or even the what. But I do know that God is still God. He is still faithful and amazing. It is time that we take a look at our relationship with the Lord. Are we serving God because of what he does or is doing for us? Or are we serving God because of what he did? He sent his son to die on the cross. A brutal death! We as christians have offered God to people in a way that is all good. It is all about what he is going to do for us if we believe. We tend to present the cross, and jump over it as well. And we are wondering why people are leaving and turning their back on God when tragedy or difficult times strike. I believe it is because we are serving God for what he is doing for our current state. Not for what he has done. We are making christianity about our comfort and not about his kingdom. We forget that God has a plan that is bigger than what we can see. He loves us and is there for us to lean on. We have to trust in him and know that we know HE IS IN CONTROL. Are we truly surrendering to God everything in our lives? Are we prepared to surrender it all in the midst of our trials? One day we will hear "Well done my good and faithful servant" or " depart from me for I never knew you"! I do believe it is about the relationship that gets us to heaven. Are we doing all of the talking and no listening? Are we prepared to hear what he is saying to us? It is time that we look at our relationship with the Lord!!!

Jan. 3 1998 The day I would do it all again, knowing what I know now!

This last month has been a little rough. And now I am coming up on my anniversary Jan. 3. It would have been 12 years. I made it through last year okay. I think I was still in shock. This year, however it is all to real. I am missing so many aspects to marriage. I miss him telling me about his love. I miss the small skin to skin touch. Or, even the talking on the phone while he was a work. He would call just to hear my voice. I loved it. He was my world. I feel a small part of resentment to myself. I feel like I took for granted what I had. I knew I had it good. I just didn't know how AMAZING until he was gone. I look at everyone of the marriages falling around me, and think man SCOTT JETT WAS the greatest husband/father. We did cherish each other. I miss telling him he was the man of my dreams. Every time he acted shocked. It didn't matter that I told him almost every night. He loved to hear it. I also loved to hear how sexy he thought I was. I had the greatest husband in the world!!! No one can convince me differently. I also have completely different odd feelings. I miss Scott Jett like CRAZY!!! I was committed to him till the end. The end being our entire lives. Not just 11 years. I was in it for the long haul. He treated me amazing. I was his princess that he couldn't get enough of. Now a little over a year later.... I am thinking about dating. No, I am thinking about the man of my dreams at 31. I want to find him. So here I am thinking about the possibility of another man in my life and yet I know I will never get over the greatest man I have ever known. Talk about mess with your head. These thoughts will, I a sure you. I am looking at it like this... When you have your first baby you are so in love, and you don't think that you can ever love another child like that the same. But then, you have your second (in my case third, forth, and fifth) and you love them just the same. If I was to loose on of my children I would always mourn their loss and remember them. I feel the same about another man entering into my life. I am hoping and praying that the Lord will send the man of my dreams at 31 to me. I am hoping that my theory is correct and I will love him with the same love I had for Scott and my kids. It is an unconditional love that lasts forever no matter what happens or comes our way!!!!!