Saturday, January 16, 2010

Sometimes I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry. Stomp my feet, kick scream and yell. Walk away and never look back. I know that is not the answer. I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY CHILDREN EVER EVER!!! However, it would be such a lie to pretend that life is a bed of roses. I don't like nor do I know how to live this life that God gave me. To have the most amazing marriage and to be totally in love just to have it ripped out from under you in a 30 min period, is almost more than I can take. Some tell me at least I have loved. I think it is equally as bad to have never loved at all. When you find true love, it is the greatest thing in the world. And when you loose it, you will long for it again. I see different people around me that have divorced a bad situation and are content with being alone. Sometimes I long to be in that contentment. I know the bible says to be content in all areas. But, I really don't know if I can be content in this area of my life. I know what amazing love is with our heavenly father, as well as with a spouse. I long to have that love again. I know my situation is not normal. It is not every day that a women with 5 kids goes on the "market" again after 12 years. People around me tell me God wouldn't take the man of my dreams and not give me someone equally as good. But I can't help but think in my head, I didn't think God would do this to me. How can I be so confident in that statement. I do know that God has a plan for my life. I am longing to see all of this trial used for his glory. I just ache inside so bad. I don't understand and want to find purpose in it all. I am determined to press on to receive the prize. I can only hope and pray that the Lord would grant me the peace and patience to wait for what and who he has for me. Because the thought of dating turns my stomach. Not because I am not ready to love again, but because I would have to put my heart out there.
Thanks for letting me unload.....

1 comment:

  1. I enjoy reading your heart... it's captivating. I'll save all the cliches and just leave it at that. Thanks for writing! :)