My Dreams....

For the last couple of weeks I have been looking into my life. Trying to figure out my purpose. Why am I here? What does God want to do with me? I look ahead and have no idea where I am going. I have looked behind me to see what my past dreams were. Where and what did I see myself doing? What is it that God called me to do and be? Ever since I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be a mom and a wife. I dreamed of having a house full of kids. My Junior year, I was called into ministry. Then at 19, I married the man of my dreams. Seriously! I became his support and biggest cheerleader. That became my dream. Cheering him on and watching God use him in mighty ways. Looking back Scott's dreams became mine. Any dream that he had, I was on board. To me he walked on water. If Scott said it, it was gold. I was made fun of for this. But, I didn't care. His dreams were mine. I was willing to do what ever it took (except travel the world with all of our kids). LOL In the midst of his dreams I wanted stability. He lived out almost all of his dreams!

It didn't hit me until today that I didn't dream for me. My dreams were being fulfilled. I was a mom to 4 almost 5 kids, a wife and in ministry. Now that he is gone, I'm no longer in ministry. I'm still trying to find stability. I guess living out my life is a ministry, but it isn't fulfilling enough. I want more. I want a vision of what God wants to do with me. I am still fighting to be the best mom that I can be. Making sure that they are lacking for nothing. However, I have lost my dreams.

So now, what about Cori? What about my dreams? Were they shattered the day he died? Surely this isn't it? Wasn't the women supposed to be the support role in a marriage? How do I go from that, to being on my own? How do I find myself after being wrapped up in Scott's dreams? How do I step out to do the will of God, when Scott was the "one" that was known, not me? How do you shake the fear? Where to start my dreams? How do I begin my dreams? So, now what?

All I know is that I want to be used by God. I want to see purpose in the death of Scott. I long to see his legacy that he left behind continued and my dreams to be fulfilled. Pray that God will show me my hope, dreams and visions for the future.

Is "it" a blessing or a curse?

I am So ready for this stage of my life to be over with. I am ready for the next step or phase that life has to offer. I still have a lot of questions of why's and how come. I still sometimes question God... What have I done that you feel I need punished so sever? I have searched my life to find all the area's that I could have messed up in and asked God to forgive me. I have pleaded with God... PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I was just listening to a sermon the other day that got me thinking. The pastor said if you are not seeing the blessings of God in your life then you need to be finding out what YOU are doing wrong. Again, I dug deep. Trying to find out what I have done wrong. I have shed many tears because of these CRAZY feelings. And CRAZY feelings is what they are. I know God better than that. I know His nature better than that. Though he is a God that disciplines his children, he is not a God that is full of anger towards his children that love him. He is loving, gracious, merciful, compassionate and full of blessings to the ones that live for him. HE IS A GOOD GOD! "The Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Ex. 34:6

I have also had to dig deep in the bible to find out what God thinks of the widow. I have found that he is compassionate towards her. He is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows (Ps. 68:5) We are under his special care and protection. "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow" Deut. 10:18 Widow's have a special place in God's heart. :) Which leads me to yet another question....

Am I where I am because I am cursed because of what I have done? Or Is it God's blessing on my life? Now that sounds sick and twisted to me. However, I read a blog yesterday that has got me thinking. It talked about seeing the blessings of where we are at, not at the curse of where we are at. God doesn't curse the ones that love him! HE BLESSES THEM!!!! If it isn't because of what I have done wrong then why? I believe it is because God has a greater much larger plan, full of blessings that I could never think or imagine. I believe that God could have prevented Scott from dying. However, I believe that God knows WAY more than we can understand. Who knows what He is preventing or sparing us from. Again, I can play the question game. But, I am choosing to rest in the fact that God's ultimate plan is HIS kingdom. Our lives are for His glory to be revealed in and through us! So, I have to see His blessings in my life! That is not always easy to do. Because I want to see the things that I want and don't have.... A husband.

He has blessed me with an amazing family. My parents have gone above and beyond the call. My kids are AMAZING! God knew that I need each one of them to get me through! I need them as much if not more than they need me! :) God has surrounded me with great friends. I can feel him sustaining me. I may not like where I am at, I don't have too. But, I do have to trust him. And in this huge trial of life, I am doing just that. I AM TRUSTING HIM!

Thank you so much God for your unfailing love. You have strengthened me and sustained me throughout this adventure. You have allowed me to make decisions that have not been the best, all to help me learn. You have also guided me through this maze of life and protected me. You are helping me to develop my kids into the men and women of God that you are calling them to be. Our house may be full of craziness, but it is full of love. Your love! I am seeing the you bring all of us closer to you. And that is PRICELESS, no matter how much I don't like the way it feels. Continue to help, lead, guide and direct us. Don't let my foot slip. Keep me on track! Thank you for your many blessings that you have given me. AMEN!

It's time to seek God like Asa lead Judah to do!

In my time with the Lord today it was powerful! Here it is :) 2 Chronicles 14-15

Let me set the stage for you. Asa had just become King over Judah. Upon becoming King he did a little house cleaning. He got rid of all of the pagan altars and shrines. He smashed the sacred stone pillars and chopped down the sex-and religion groves. Again, he "cleaned house". He told the people to CENTER THEIR LIVES IN GOD (14:4) They needed to follow the law and the commandments. After Asa "cleaned house" his kingdom was at peace (vs 6). During their time of peace they decided to build up their defense system. They prepared their city for battle. In the midst of their peace they realized why they had peace; because they had sought God. He gave them rest from all troubles (vs. 7). Then out of now where the Ethiopians came warring against them. Asa went to God humbly asking him to help them in battle (vs 11). God did just that. He defeated the Ethiopians!

In our own lives we sometimes wonder why we aren't seeing favor with the Lord. I say today maybe we need to do a little house cleaning of our own. Dig deep and get rid of the junk that is holding us back from God. It is time that we CENTER OUR LIVES IN GOD! It is time for us to take our focus off of ourselves and back on HIM. Then we will see and feel His peace in our lives. And when we are in the midst of that peaceful mountain top; we NEED to prepare for the battles ahead. Such as a life tragedy. Or even just the craziness of life. Prepare! Dig deep into the word of God and seek Him like never before. Because just around the corner is going to be a bump in the road. It's the life that we live in. When we seek and prepare like Asa; God does the battle. We have to remind ourselves that when we truly surrender to God we don't have to worry about the battle. Because the battle is already won!

Chapter 15

God had spoke to Azariah; he was to go to Asa. He told Asa.... "God will stick with you as long as you stick with him. If you look for him he will let himself be found; but if you leave him he'll leave you". He also told him that for a long time Israel didn't have the real God. However, when they got in trouble they got serious about Him. And when they got serious about God; God allowed himself to be found (15:4). It was a crazy time. People all around them were at war and at each others throats. Azariah said this to Asa "But it's different with you: BE STRONG. TAKE HEART. PAYDAY IS COMING!!!! (vs 7) Asa heard all the Azariah had said. So he went to work, cleaning house again. Getting rid of all that wasn't pleasing to God. Through all of the craziness, he joined forces with those around him. They made a covenant to seek God WHOLEHEARTEDLY holding NOTHING BACK (12). They made this covenant with joy in their hearts (15). ANTICIPATING the BEST! They sought God-and HE SHOWED UP! Ready to be found. He gave them PEACE!!!!!

We have to always remember that God will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. If we want to find God, we are going to have to get serious about it. No more playing church, but LIVING it. It is time that we form a covenant with God, to follow Him NO MATTER WHAT! And do it with great joy in our hearts. And as we follow Him ANTICIPATING GREAT THINGS!!!! THE BEST! God wants nothing but the best for us. And when we seek Him, knowing He is waiting to be found. Along our journey knowing just like Asa, we aren't going to do it all right (vs 18). But if our heart is in the right place God WILL HAVE GRACE. He will know our intentions. And bless us abundantly!!!!