Loneliness

For the last couple weeks, loneliness has set in again. I hate writing about negatives, yet I feel better when I do. So I am going to get it off of my chest. I am convinced that loneliness, is hell on earth. It hits you in the gut with a force that takes your breath away. So much so, that finding air is next to impossible. There are so many things that play into the loneliness. One of the hardest things to deal with, is looking around at all of the people taking for granted what they have. There selfishness to what they want has over taken their love for their spouse. Watching and observing that and sitting where I am makes my heart ache. I want to get ahold of them and scream in their face. Wake up! Cherish what you have! All marriages are work, another one isn't going to make you happier! Work/FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOUSE!!!! I see them taking for granted the touch of the one they love, or the chance to serve them as if they were royalty. This may all sound so stupid, but when that love is the very thing I lost, seeing people neglect "that", is hard.

Just recently a scripture in 1 Timothy has come alive to me, that almost 3 years ago offended me.

"As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being IDLE and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander." 1 Timothy 5:11-14

This passage really offended me until now. Where is says our sensual desires will overcome Christ, being idle and busybodies got the best of me. I didn't understand that. I was and I am dedicated to God! He is my all! So how could this be true? How could I ever let my desires take over my dedication to Christ? How could I be idle with 5 kids? Really, I thought there was NO WAY this could be true. Until, I opened my eyes to the reality of where I'm at in life. My loneliness has taken over my thoughts and my actions. That is not something I am proud of, or even like to admit to you or myself. I keep very busy during the day. I am running and trying to keep up with my kids, making sure they are thriving, and the house is kept up (as much as you can with 3 little ones and 2 pre-teens). Yet, somehow in the midst of my busy body-ness, my mind is left idle. I can only read so much bible before my head explodes, and I look back wondering what in the heck I just read. Then, it is back to thinking about my life. How I got to where I am at. Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Is this all spiritual? Who is going to want me with 5 kids? How could I ask someone to take on such a task? What does God want to do with me? How was Scott's death, worth ALL of this. Who knows?!!!! The answers, to those questions don't matter. However, those are my thoughts. My idleness! It consumes me at times. Even in the midst of laundry or cleaning the house. It's an idleness that consumes me no matter what I am doing. And I have no idea how to get out.

There is more to it, than just telling me to put God first, read more of the bible, study more, dig deeper into what God wants from me, or to find out what He is trying to teach me. I can do this all day long. And at the end of the day I still feel lost and confused. No matter how much I have dug into God.

I will tell you that God is still my strength! He helps me make it through every day. I thank God for all that He has done and continues to do for me. Regardless of how I feel, He is still a good and faithful God!!! One that will not ever let me go!!!! A God that has sent his one and only son to die on the cross for my sins. No matter how I feel or what goes on around me, that makes Him worth serving!