DETAILS!!!!!!!

On July 18th 2010, I gave Paul a chance with me. LOL :) He had been patiently and eagerly pursuing me. We flirted on facebook and that was the extent of our talking. I knew that we had a great connection. It wasn't until we talked on the phone that I knew! I knew that I was going to marry him. I didn't tell him that, but I did tell my mom. She thought I was crazy. Paul and I talked on the phone for 5 hours. My kids and his kids were running around while we talked. By the end of our conversation I had FALLEN IN LOVE! The next night we talked again for 4 hours. This started our streak of many long conversations to come. It was 2 weeks later that we met in person. He took me to a park. We walked the trails and just talked all about God and life. I came to realize that he was an incredible man. Both inside and out :) I learned all about his integrity, character and most of all his love for the Lord. He let me in on his ways of parenting and getting to the heart of the child. I has started changing the way that I parent my kids. Completely life changing. Paul and I have a connection that is beyond what I could describe to any of you. It is INCREDIBLE!!!!!

Through the last year we have had to learn each other and come to understand one another. In ways that are not always easy but rewarding! We have both gotten to grow together both physically and spiritually. He challenges me in every way. Paul and I have started learning the art of blending a family. Not an easy task. Yet, the joy that is in the midst of those challenges make it all worth while. Our kids have done amazing. They all act as though they have been blood siblings their entire life, which means lots of rivalries going on. In the midst of the rivals they laugh to the point they cry. LOL There really isn't anything better than listening to belly laughter from the kids. It makes us laugh.

So to the good stuff.... What happened....

Paul and I had been talking about getting married for a while. There were a few bumps in the road as to when that would happen. It wasn't until our 1 year anniversary of talking that we really started deciding when the right time was. We were talking about getting married the weekend of Aug. 5th. However, we were a little unsure of all the details. On Monday July 24, we made the decision to get married on the 6th of Aug. So on my birthday July 28th, Paul suggested that we get our marriage license. We did just that. :) He then took me to HuHot for dinner. One of my favorite places to eat. Afterward he had asked me what else I wanted to do. I said..." Andy's frozen custard sounds really good". Paul said... "How about let's get married" Me... "WHAT!"

Paul..."I am serious. Would you ever just elope and not tell anyone?"

Me..."ABSOLUTELY! That is a true elopement. Not telling anyone :)"

So we called Rian Bess. An incredible man and dear friend and cousin to Paul. He thought we were crazy. They had been swimming and were still in there suits. I loved it :) Rian was very worried about how he looked. He went and put on fresh clothes. As Heather (his wife, my bff) was in her swim suit cover up. All the while Lesa, was there and totally clueless. She said she knew something was going on. However, she is the sweet quiet one that would never really ask. I looked at her and asked if she knew what was going on. I then told her she was going to be our 2nd witness to getting married. She said right now? Yep right now :) I will never forget all of the giggles. It made it so fun. Paul and I were in the middle of Rian and Heather's living room. It was there we got married on July 28th. My birthday! The greatest gift ever!

From there we spent a couple of hours with just him and I. PRICELESS! We then went to pick up his kids. When he told them, they were filled with laughter and smiles. We all loaded in the van and headed to my house to tell my kids. No one made it inside before Joey made it known they were all brothers and sisters. The noise level went up 10 notches and didn't come down for a couple of days.

It has taken them all time to really figure out what all of this meant. However, we are seeing God go before us and prepare our way. He has given us favor in many ways we didn't see coming. I look forward to the future and all that it holds. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Then mean the world to me. I am a very blessed women. Thank you

Ps. 37:4

I was talking to a Pastor last night. Telling him a little bit about where I was in life. He spoke a scripture to me that I have heard many times. But for some reason it has JUMPED out at me.

"DELIGHT yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps. 37:4

The definition for delight: to take pleasure in....

The definition for pleasure: to be pleased or to take enjoyment in...

Sounds so elementary and simple. Yet, sometimes so hard to do in our walk with the Lord. It's about enjoying, and walking in His presence and peace every day. Not fretting about what is stressing us out. But, trusting that God is in control. Knowing that if we "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all things will be added" Matt. 6:33. He will take care of us. "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you" Heb. 13:5. God wants us to walk out our everyday life, knowing that He is watching out for us. He wants us to take pleasure in Him! He wants us to ENJOY Him! He wants to LOVE on us and for us to LOVE on Him.

And yet we want to make EVERYTHING so hard and complicated. We want to worry about the day or days to come. We focus on our situations instead of Him. Our focus has to be heavenly minded not circumstance minded.

I am having to learn to take my eyes off of what I see, and focus on what I can't see... God! Trusting that as I DELIGHT in Him, he is going to DELIGHT HIMSELF IN ME! He is going to give me the desires of my heart. He is going to take care of me and my kids. He is not worried about my circumstances or my situation. He already knows! So all of the fretting and worrying is only doing me harm. I keep thinking of how He has told us to pray...

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom,
the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever.

Amen.

This prayer is simple and easy. Yet, said with a lot of confidence it can go a long way in our daily walk with the Lord. If we will begin to pray like this, we will pray with more delight and pleasure and less about the things that are stressing us out. Focusing our prayers on the things that stress us out, sometimes stress us out more. Because we are always thinking about our circumstances.

All of this to say that, I have been praying all about my stresses and stressing myself out more. Instead of taking a step back and praying the simple prayers and trusting that God is going to take care of me. I have been walking through the day today, trying to enjoy and take pleasure in the Lord. Something that I know, but I am having to take myself back to a childlike faith. So maybe I need to read Psalms 37:4 like this....

BE PLEASED, TAKE PLEASURE AND ENJOY the LORD! HE WILL... GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART!

Loneliness

For the last couple weeks, loneliness has set in again. I hate writing about negatives, yet I feel better when I do. So I am going to get it off of my chest. I am convinced that loneliness, is hell on earth. It hits you in the gut with a force that takes your breath away. So much so, that finding air is next to impossible. There are so many things that play into the loneliness. One of the hardest things to deal with, is looking around at all of the people taking for granted what they have. There selfishness to what they want has over taken their love for their spouse. Watching and observing that and sitting where I am makes my heart ache. I want to get ahold of them and scream in their face. Wake up! Cherish what you have! All marriages are work, another one isn't going to make you happier! Work/FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOUSE!!!! I see them taking for granted the touch of the one they love, or the chance to serve them as if they were royalty. This may all sound so stupid, but when that love is the very thing I lost, seeing people neglect "that", is hard.

Just recently a scripture in 1 Timothy has come alive to me, that almost 3 years ago offended me.

"As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being IDLE and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander." 1 Timothy 5:11-14

This passage really offended me until now. Where is says our sensual desires will overcome Christ, being idle and busybodies got the best of me. I didn't understand that. I was and I am dedicated to God! He is my all! So how could this be true? How could I ever let my desires take over my dedication to Christ? How could I be idle with 5 kids? Really, I thought there was NO WAY this could be true. Until, I opened my eyes to the reality of where I'm at in life. My loneliness has taken over my thoughts and my actions. That is not something I am proud of, or even like to admit to you or myself. I keep very busy during the day. I am running and trying to keep up with my kids, making sure they are thriving, and the house is kept up (as much as you can with 3 little ones and 2 pre-teens). Yet, somehow in the midst of my busy body-ness, my mind is left idle. I can only read so much bible before my head explodes, and I look back wondering what in the heck I just read. Then, it is back to thinking about my life. How I got to where I am at. Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Is this all spiritual? Who is going to want me with 5 kids? How could I ask someone to take on such a task? What does God want to do with me? How was Scott's death, worth ALL of this. Who knows?!!!! The answers, to those questions don't matter. However, those are my thoughts. My idleness! It consumes me at times. Even in the midst of laundry or cleaning the house. It's an idleness that consumes me no matter what I am doing. And I have no idea how to get out.

There is more to it, than just telling me to put God first, read more of the bible, study more, dig deeper into what God wants from me, or to find out what He is trying to teach me. I can do this all day long. And at the end of the day I still feel lost and confused. No matter how much I have dug into God.

I will tell you that God is still my strength! He helps me make it through every day. I thank God for all that He has done and continues to do for me. Regardless of how I feel, He is still a good and faithful God!!! One that will not ever let me go!!!! A God that has sent his one and only son to die on the cross for my sins. No matter how I feel or what goes on around me, that makes Him worth serving!