Ps. 37:4

I was talking to a Pastor last night. Telling him a little bit about where I was in life. He spoke a scripture to me that I have heard many times. But for some reason it has JUMPED out at me.

"DELIGHT yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps. 37:4

The definition for delight: to take pleasure in....

The definition for pleasure: to be pleased or to take enjoyment in...

Sounds so elementary and simple. Yet, sometimes so hard to do in our walk with the Lord. It's about enjoying, and walking in His presence and peace every day. Not fretting about what is stressing us out. But, trusting that God is in control. Knowing that if we "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all things will be added" Matt. 6:33. He will take care of us. "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you" Heb. 13:5. God wants us to walk out our everyday life, knowing that He is watching out for us. He wants us to take pleasure in Him! He wants us to ENJOY Him! He wants to LOVE on us and for us to LOVE on Him.

And yet we want to make EVERYTHING so hard and complicated. We want to worry about the day or days to come. We focus on our situations instead of Him. Our focus has to be heavenly minded not circumstance minded.

I am having to learn to take my eyes off of what I see, and focus on what I can't see... God! Trusting that as I DELIGHT in Him, he is going to DELIGHT HIMSELF IN ME! He is going to give me the desires of my heart. He is going to take care of me and my kids. He is not worried about my circumstances or my situation. He already knows! So all of the fretting and worrying is only doing me harm. I keep thinking of how He has told us to pray...

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom,
the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever.

Amen.

This prayer is simple and easy. Yet, said with a lot of confidence it can go a long way in our daily walk with the Lord. If we will begin to pray like this, we will pray with more delight and pleasure and less about the things that are stressing us out. Focusing our prayers on the things that stress us out, sometimes stress us out more. Because we are always thinking about our circumstances.

All of this to say that, I have been praying all about my stresses and stressing myself out more. Instead of taking a step back and praying the simple prayers and trusting that God is going to take care of me. I have been walking through the day today, trying to enjoy and take pleasure in the Lord. Something that I know, but I am having to take myself back to a childlike faith. So maybe I need to read Psalms 37:4 like this....

BE PLEASED, TAKE PLEASURE AND ENJOY the LORD! HE WILL... GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART!

Loneliness

For the last couple weeks, loneliness has set in again. I hate writing about negatives, yet I feel better when I do. So I am going to get it off of my chest. I am convinced that loneliness, is hell on earth. It hits you in the gut with a force that takes your breath away. So much so, that finding air is next to impossible. There are so many things that play into the loneliness. One of the hardest things to deal with, is looking around at all of the people taking for granted what they have. There selfishness to what they want has over taken their love for their spouse. Watching and observing that and sitting where I am makes my heart ache. I want to get ahold of them and scream in their face. Wake up! Cherish what you have! All marriages are work, another one isn't going to make you happier! Work/FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOUSE!!!! I see them taking for granted the touch of the one they love, or the chance to serve them as if they were royalty. This may all sound so stupid, but when that love is the very thing I lost, seeing people neglect "that", is hard.

Just recently a scripture in 1 Timothy has come alive to me, that almost 3 years ago offended me.

"As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being IDLE and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander." 1 Timothy 5:11-14

This passage really offended me until now. Where is says our sensual desires will overcome Christ, being idle and busybodies got the best of me. I didn't understand that. I was and I am dedicated to God! He is my all! So how could this be true? How could I ever let my desires take over my dedication to Christ? How could I be idle with 5 kids? Really, I thought there was NO WAY this could be true. Until, I opened my eyes to the reality of where I'm at in life. My loneliness has taken over my thoughts and my actions. That is not something I am proud of, or even like to admit to you or myself. I keep very busy during the day. I am running and trying to keep up with my kids, making sure they are thriving, and the house is kept up (as much as you can with 3 little ones and 2 pre-teens). Yet, somehow in the midst of my busy body-ness, my mind is left idle. I can only read so much bible before my head explodes, and I look back wondering what in the heck I just read. Then, it is back to thinking about my life. How I got to where I am at. Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Is this all spiritual? Who is going to want me with 5 kids? How could I ask someone to take on such a task? What does God want to do with me? How was Scott's death, worth ALL of this. Who knows?!!!! The answers, to those questions don't matter. However, those are my thoughts. My idleness! It consumes me at times. Even in the midst of laundry or cleaning the house. It's an idleness that consumes me no matter what I am doing. And I have no idea how to get out.

There is more to it, than just telling me to put God first, read more of the bible, study more, dig deeper into what God wants from me, or to find out what He is trying to teach me. I can do this all day long. And at the end of the day I still feel lost and confused. No matter how much I have dug into God.

I will tell you that God is still my strength! He helps me make it through every day. I thank God for all that He has done and continues to do for me. Regardless of how I feel, He is still a good and faithful God!!! One that will not ever let me go!!!! A God that has sent his one and only son to die on the cross for my sins. No matter how I feel or what goes on around me, that makes Him worth serving!

My Dreams....

For the last couple of weeks I have been looking into my life. Trying to figure out my purpose. Why am I here? What does God want to do with me? I look ahead and have no idea where I am going. I have looked behind me to see what my past dreams were. Where and what did I see myself doing? What is it that God called me to do and be? Ever since I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be a mom and a wife. I dreamed of having a house full of kids. My Junior year, I was called into ministry. Then at 19, I married the man of my dreams. Seriously! I became his support and biggest cheerleader. That became my dream. Cheering him on and watching God use him in mighty ways. Looking back Scott's dreams became mine. Any dream that he had, I was on board. To me he walked on water. If Scott said it, it was gold. I was made fun of for this. But, I didn't care. His dreams were mine. I was willing to do what ever it took (except travel the world with all of our kids). LOL In the midst of his dreams I wanted stability. He lived out almost all of his dreams!

It didn't hit me until today that I didn't dream for me. My dreams were being fulfilled. I was a mom to 4 almost 5 kids, a wife and in ministry. Now that he is gone, I'm no longer in ministry. I'm still trying to find stability. I guess living out my life is a ministry, but it isn't fulfilling enough. I want more. I want a vision of what God wants to do with me. I am still fighting to be the best mom that I can be. Making sure that they are lacking for nothing. However, I have lost my dreams.

So now, what about Cori? What about my dreams? Were they shattered the day he died? Surely this isn't it? Wasn't the women supposed to be the support role in a marriage? How do I go from that, to being on my own? How do I find myself after being wrapped up in Scott's dreams? How do I step out to do the will of God, when Scott was the "one" that was known, not me? How do you shake the fear? Where to start my dreams? How do I begin my dreams? So, now what?

All I know is that I want to be used by God. I want to see purpose in the death of Scott. I long to see his legacy that he left behind continued and my dreams to be fulfilled. Pray that God will show me my hope, dreams and visions for the future.

Is "it" a blessing or a curse?

I am So ready for this stage of my life to be over with. I am ready for the next step or phase that life has to offer. I still have a lot of questions of why's and how come. I still sometimes question God... What have I done that you feel I need punished so sever? I have searched my life to find all the area's that I could have messed up in and asked God to forgive me. I have pleaded with God... PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I was just listening to a sermon the other day that got me thinking. The pastor said if you are not seeing the blessings of God in your life then you need to be finding out what YOU are doing wrong. Again, I dug deep. Trying to find out what I have done wrong. I have shed many tears because of these CRAZY feelings. And CRAZY feelings is what they are. I know God better than that. I know His nature better than that. Though he is a God that disciplines his children, he is not a God that is full of anger towards his children that love him. He is loving, gracious, merciful, compassionate and full of blessings to the ones that live for him. HE IS A GOOD GOD! "The Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Ex. 34:6

I have also had to dig deep in the bible to find out what God thinks of the widow. I have found that he is compassionate towards her. He is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows (Ps. 68:5) We are under his special care and protection. "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow" Deut. 10:18 Widow's have a special place in God's heart. :) Which leads me to yet another question....

Am I where I am because I am cursed because of what I have done? Or Is it God's blessing on my life? Now that sounds sick and twisted to me. However, I read a blog yesterday that has got me thinking. It talked about seeing the blessings of where we are at, not at the curse of where we are at. God doesn't curse the ones that love him! HE BLESSES THEM!!!! If it isn't because of what I have done wrong then why? I believe it is because God has a greater much larger plan, full of blessings that I could never think or imagine. I believe that God could have prevented Scott from dying. However, I believe that God knows WAY more than we can understand. Who knows what He is preventing or sparing us from. Again, I can play the question game. But, I am choosing to rest in the fact that God's ultimate plan is HIS kingdom. Our lives are for His glory to be revealed in and through us! So, I have to see His blessings in my life! That is not always easy to do. Because I want to see the things that I want and don't have.... A husband.

He has blessed me with an amazing family. My parents have gone above and beyond the call. My kids are AMAZING! God knew that I need each one of them to get me through! I need them as much if not more than they need me! :) God has surrounded me with great friends. I can feel him sustaining me. I may not like where I am at, I don't have too. But, I do have to trust him. And in this huge trial of life, I am doing just that. I AM TRUSTING HIM!

Thank you so much God for your unfailing love. You have strengthened me and sustained me throughout this adventure. You have allowed me to make decisions that have not been the best, all to help me learn. You have also guided me through this maze of life and protected me. You are helping me to develop my kids into the men and women of God that you are calling them to be. Our house may be full of craziness, but it is full of love. Your love! I am seeing the you bring all of us closer to you. And that is PRICELESS, no matter how much I don't like the way it feels. Continue to help, lead, guide and direct us. Don't let my foot slip. Keep me on track! Thank you for your many blessings that you have given me. AMEN!

It's time to seek God like Asa lead Judah to do!

In my time with the Lord today it was powerful! Here it is :) 2 Chronicles 14-15

Let me set the stage for you. Asa had just become King over Judah. Upon becoming King he did a little house cleaning. He got rid of all of the pagan altars and shrines. He smashed the sacred stone pillars and chopped down the sex-and religion groves. Again, he "cleaned house". He told the people to CENTER THEIR LIVES IN GOD (14:4) They needed to follow the law and the commandments. After Asa "cleaned house" his kingdom was at peace (vs 6). During their time of peace they decided to build up their defense system. They prepared their city for battle. In the midst of their peace they realized why they had peace; because they had sought God. He gave them rest from all troubles (vs. 7). Then out of now where the Ethiopians came warring against them. Asa went to God humbly asking him to help them in battle (vs 11). God did just that. He defeated the Ethiopians!

In our own lives we sometimes wonder why we aren't seeing favor with the Lord. I say today maybe we need to do a little house cleaning of our own. Dig deep and get rid of the junk that is holding us back from God. It is time that we CENTER OUR LIVES IN GOD! It is time for us to take our focus off of ourselves and back on HIM. Then we will see and feel His peace in our lives. And when we are in the midst of that peaceful mountain top; we NEED to prepare for the battles ahead. Such as a life tragedy. Or even just the craziness of life. Prepare! Dig deep into the word of God and seek Him like never before. Because just around the corner is going to be a bump in the road. It's the life that we live in. When we seek and prepare like Asa; God does the battle. We have to remind ourselves that when we truly surrender to God we don't have to worry about the battle. Because the battle is already won!

Chapter 15

God had spoke to Azariah; he was to go to Asa. He told Asa.... "God will stick with you as long as you stick with him. If you look for him he will let himself be found; but if you leave him he'll leave you". He also told him that for a long time Israel didn't have the real God. However, when they got in trouble they got serious about Him. And when they got serious about God; God allowed himself to be found (15:4). It was a crazy time. People all around them were at war and at each others throats. Azariah said this to Asa "But it's different with you: BE STRONG. TAKE HEART. PAYDAY IS COMING!!!! (vs 7) Asa heard all the Azariah had said. So he went to work, cleaning house again. Getting rid of all that wasn't pleasing to God. Through all of the craziness, he joined forces with those around him. They made a covenant to seek God WHOLEHEARTEDLY holding NOTHING BACK (12). They made this covenant with joy in their hearts (15). ANTICIPATING the BEST! They sought God-and HE SHOWED UP! Ready to be found. He gave them PEACE!!!!!

We have to always remember that God will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. If we want to find God, we are going to have to get serious about it. No more playing church, but LIVING it. It is time that we form a covenant with God, to follow Him NO MATTER WHAT! And do it with great joy in our hearts. And as we follow Him ANTICIPATING GREAT THINGS!!!! THE BEST! God wants nothing but the best for us. And when we seek Him, knowing He is waiting to be found. Along our journey knowing just like Asa, we aren't going to do it all right (vs 18). But if our heart is in the right place God WILL HAVE GRACE. He will know our intentions. And bless us abundantly!!!!

It's all an illusion...

We have all heard... The grass is greener on the other side. That is just about how I feel right now. I am looking around seeing everyone's happiness. I see weddings taking place, pregnancies, and babies being born, all around me. Shear happiness. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooo excited for all of these people around me. I have been in every situation. They are fun and exciting. They are times to cherish and enjoy. I remember the day I married Scott. I couldn't take the smile off of my face. Or the day that I had each one of my kids. How exciting. It all brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. Tears of joy and tears of sadness.

The sadness that the man that helped me bring all of this joy into my life is now gone. I am stuck learning new ways and and new relationships. I have never been one to date. And now I am finding myself giving my heart away and seeing it leave before me. The ups and downs to being a momma of 5 with a husband that is no longer here to help me along this journey. The journey of raising a soon to be teenager all the way down to a toddler. Talk about hard and overwhelming. I find myself saying..."Really God this is what you have for me? Are you sure? Because, I am not." I feel like I look around me and all I see is business. Friends, along with myself have all gone astray. So the loneliness sets in. The determination of not looking back and fighting forward takes over. It is time to fight the feelings of giving up and letting go. I just am not sure I am there yet.

I was having a self pity party last night. Telling God about all of the happiness around me. How happy everyone else gets to be. Asking God what I did wrong? Why did I have to go through all of this? Why can't I just have the happy life like everyone else gets to? God's response to me was this.... It is all an illusion. The illusion is satan trying to trap your mind. Yes people are happy around you. However, everyone has their own issue. But you can't see that. You are only focused on what they have that you don't. A husband. By focusing on everyone else's happiness it is killing yours. OUCH!!!!

I don't know that it has sunk in. But, it is going to have to sink in quickly!!!!

Relationships!!!!!

I am at it again.... Here is goes.... God has been talking to me and changing me. All for the better. I am so excited. I love to hear His voice and see him showing me new things. Here was my devotion today.

This is all about relationships, but please look into your marriage relationships first. I am not saying I am perfect or that I have it all figured out. I am going to say what I feel very strongly, about what God showed me.

Proverbs 19 It's a Proverb a day :) I am going to jump around on a few verses.

It is all about listening! Sometimes we don't want to listen to what those around us have to say to us. Our actions are justified to us. We make excuses for why we do what we do. Instead of listening to what the other person is really saying.

In Proverbs 19:20 "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."

By listening to what the other person has to say we validate what they are feeling. We have to look through their eyes. By doing so we are no longer justifying our actions, we are gaining understanding. When we gain understanding, we gain the desire to accept instruction. Instruction of what the other person NEEDS! Relationships can't be about just our needs, but that of the other persons as well. By LISTENING and ACCEPTING we GAIN WISDOM! Wisdom of just how to handle the situation at hand.

The instruction IS ALL ABOUT DISCIPLINING OUR ACTIONS! No one ever said disciplining ourselves or receiving discipline was easy.

Prov. 19:8 "He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers."

By receiving discipline of all kinds we gain the wisdom to handle every situation. By gaining the wisdom and understanding we WILL PROSPER!!!!

Our relationships require us to see through the other persons eyes. By listening, looking and understanding, our relationships will be successful!

Prov. 19:11 "A man's wisdom gives him patience"

I believe by Listening, Looking, and Understanding we gain Wisdom. By gaining the wisdom we need we gain the desire to be patient. Patience comes from understanding where the other person is at.

So often when someone comes to us to confront us, we make excuses. Instead of listening to what they have to say and gaining the understanding we need to handle the situation. By understanding what is at hand, we have to take action. Our actions require discipline and the desire to change.

Not only does the pertain to the relationships around us, but to the relationship that we have with God. It is time we all stop making excuses to our actions and looking at our actions through the eyes of someone else. Our intentions could be good, but our actions and reactions could be quite the opposite. We have to line up our intentions with our actions and reactions, in order to have successful relationships.

I am not pointing anyone out. Just simply what God pointed out to me!!!! It hit me square between the eyes!